elizabeth agonized over her decision to return to full-time work in 2010 as a certified financial planner. she feared that her children would not transition well to aftercare, and she was right. seven-year-old A confessed that she “has never felt so lonely in her entire life.” W, age-five, regressed and started wetting his pants at school every day. “we were all grief-stricken,” elizabeth laments.

in her book perfect madness, judith warner describes the silences that fell in her interview groups with mothers because,

“there are things that are sayable and unsayable about motherhood today. it is permissible, for example, to talk a lot about guilt, but not a lot about ambition.” there is an underlying assumption that we “cannot really challenge the american culture of rugged individualism… we lack the most basic notions now of what a different kind of culture might look or feel like” (31-32).

elizabeth broke the silence and confided both her guilt and her ambition to her dear friend angela, a teacher by trade, who was working part-time in addition to the full-time responsibilities of raising her two nine-year-old boys. together, the two hatched a plan that does challenge the american culture of rugged individualism. elizabeth withdrew A and W from aftercare, and angela quit her part-time job to integrate A and W into her family’s weekday life.  

 elizabeth admits that she did not put much stock in the initial chatter about such an arrangement. “how would this mother of two be able to go to three different schools every afternoon, much less herd this group of four children?” she questioned. “i knew i could never do it myself.”

but in december, angela made it clear that she was serious about the idea of caring for A and W. she approached elizabeth with a proposal, and the two talked candidly about fair compensation, day-to-day details, and looming fears. 

“i will always remember sitting in [angela’s] kitchen making this agreement, and the enormous feeling of relief that washed over me,” says elizabeth. “i started to cry; i was so grateful. when angela responded that ‘we are helping each other,’ that really resonated with me. we’ve been helping each other ever since.”

angela describes the process as an easy decision, informed, in part, by her own experience of returning to full-time work when her boys were five years old. “it was tough on them. they would cry and pitch fits whenever they had to go to aftercare. elizabeth’s situation struck a familiar chord,” she explains. “her family was in need, and i was in a position that allowed me to help her. i am very comfortable looking after children!”

on a typical day, angela fetches A from school at 2:45, drives eight to twelve minutes to pick up her boys, S and L from school, and finally makes her way to a third school to pick up W. once her honda accord is packed to the gills, the entourage returns to elizabeth’s house, and the older kids finish their homework. angela uses this time to practice numbers, letters, sounds with W. she even unloads the dishes if they’re clean! all of the children have after-school activities that vary throughout the year. A currently plays soccer soccer on wednesdays and S has basketball on mondays and wednesdays. for a change of scenery, the group gathers at angela’s house on friday afternoons, snow days, holidays, and other vacation days during the school year.

“the kids get along pretty well,” angela muses. “they are like typical brothers and sister. not every day is perfect, but it’s always an adventure! A and L play very well together. W really looks up to S, and S takes being a big-brother-type seriously. he is always talking about W, and he even taught him how to shoot a basketball and jump rope.”

both angela and elizabeth credit the the success  of their arrangement to continued flexibility and open conversation. they have tweaked the details of their partnership as needed. angela recommends this kind of innovation only in cases where “both moms communicate openly and go with the flow. nothing is ever the same twice with this many kids in the mix. everyone is growing and evolving, and i think it’s important to keep this in mind.”

both moms describe the entire collaboration as a MakeShift moment. from impromptu rainy day walks that combat cabin fever, to the occasional depositing of children at elizabeth’s office, the little crew of six is making it all up as they go. 

on collaberative mothering, perhaps elizabeth says it best:

whenever i watch a show on lions or elephants or primates, i get sad.  i see how other creatures nurture their young together. other creatures have not forgotten that it takes a village, a pride, a pod or a pack, to raise young. yet in our “modern” society, we have alienated mothers from each other, and mothering has become quite an isolating experience. having this relationship with angela makes me feel like we, as mothers, are helping each other, the way god intended.  it is such a blessing to me.

first name: Carol

age: 33

current city: Hermosa Beach, CA  (near Los Angeles)

living situation: I live with my husband and our two boys, ages four and two. We recently added a fish, who only became a member of our family because it was a favor at a birthday party.

occupation: Wedding & Portrait Photographer 

how do you structure your time and space? I currently have an office in our house. I work about 30 hours a week and have a nanny who comes four days a week for the first half of the day. This allows me to have free afternoons with my boys and cook dinner. 

I squeeze in grocery shopping when needed and try to do fewer, bigger trips every other week than many small trips every week. I keep an ongoing list of what’s needed to keep me organized and keep the grocery store time streamlined.

My mother-in-law also comes one day a week to help us. She will take the boys all day and stay either overnight or until bedtime, to ensure that my husband and I have a date night to catch up. I cherish these date nights and uninterrupted conversations! 

I spend many weekend days away shooting weddings or families on location. I feel blessed that my husband enjoys taking care of the boys when I work during the weekend. 

When I get busier in the fall and add fifteen and more hours to my work week, I scrape the help together the best that I can.

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives, 

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? I think I have the best of both worlds right now, working at home and being available to my children during the day while they are still young.  It gets tight, space-wise, with my gear and post-production and office work, but I still prefer being close and listening to what’s going on downstairs.   

It can be very frustrating when my family needs me during my work time, since I try to keep the times divided. Sometimes I just have to go to the office and shut the door and ignore the polite little knocks or crying for “mama,” and sometimes I just “arrive” at the office a little later than usual.  It takes will power & patience to work from home, but I wouldn’t trade it. 

-What season(s) preceded this one? Before I had children four years ago, I was a photographer, only I worked many more (uninterrupted) hours while I was building my business. 

-What season(s) might your future hold? Eventually, when my children are in school for more hours, I would like to have a studio I can go to for my work, and for shooting and meeting with clients.  Also, I would love another assistant and an intern!

Favorite family activity: Loading up the stroller and going to the beach.  It’s the most fun AND easiest place to watch our children, and it wears them out!

favorite solo activities: grocery shopping, jogging, yoga (only once or twice a month). wait… answering this question makes me realize I need more time to do more solo activities.

sources of inspiration: 

• Finding new favorite music- I love Pandora & XM
• Reading my favorite blogs, websites & magazines 
• Gardening with my children
• Fabric shopping ( I don’t really sew but I enjoy looking at the colors and patterns)
• Online photo forum with other photographers

best MakeShift TOOL (i just added this category because its so important): The iphone. I have educational games and filtered YouTube clips downloaded for bribery when an important work phone call comes in during my time with the kids. Usually, I try not to take calls when I’m with them, but sometimes, the “shapes and puzzles” game really comes in handy!  It also comes in handy in doctors offices and airplane trips.  (Search the itunes app store for “toddler teasers,” a shapes, numbers and letters quizzing game, and your two year old will quickly learn to recognize a hexagon!)

best MakeShift moment: One Sunday evening, after a long weekend of celebrating our son’s first birthday, the door bell rang. My mom ran in the kitchen and told me that a couple had arrived to meet with me about their wedding. With all the focus on our house guests and birthday festivities, I completely forgot that I had booked a meeting for that night (another hazard of the home office!). We all looked around and saw the same thing: our place was a disaster with newly opened toys, wrapping paper, suitcases and lingering trays of party food. Luckily, we lived right around the corner from a French pastry & coffee shop. I asked the couple to wait one minute while I quickly gathered my sample albums and laptop (which had a slide show of my work), changed out of my play clothes, and ran out the door. As we walked into the coffee shop, I put my hand in my pocket and luckily found a $20 bill to treat the couple to a tasty treat. Whew!  It turned out to be a great meeting, and eight months later, I photographed their wedding. This makeshift “near crash” moment was only possible because of our “village” that holds us together:  grandparents, friends, and extended family. I don’t know what I would do without all of them and their support. 

find carol on the web:

• website: www.carolreach.com
• blog:  www.carolreach.wordpress.com

my dad, a residential realtor by trade, has recently listed an antebellum home that was occupied by the same memphis family for 150 years. in response to my begging, he recently invited andy, the kids, and me to crash a happy hour gathering of architects at the site.

the archetects were like kids in a candy store, and joined me in shameless picture-taking and investigating every square inch of the home and its features, from these aqua curtain tiebacks (the product of the last re-model),

to the fourth story attic tower.

but what struck me the most about our tour of this magnificent home and the enchanted grounds around it were the conversations i overhead while we were walking around. “what would be the best use of this gem?” people asked each other. it could, once again, be a single family home, of course. or it could host a downstairs business and an upstairs residence.

or… (and these are the ideas that really inspired me) the home and grounds could be shared somehow. one architect’s idea was that two or three families could live in the home. there would be private residence space for each family and a few common area rooms. another thought was that a single family could live in the antebellum home, and several smaller homes could be built on the grounds. these “lots” would sell for modest prices, and the homes would occupy a small footprint and not diminish the manicured wildness of the tree-filled landscape. my imagination was off and running with dreams of sharing this place with family and friends, committed to raising our children in this expanse of nature located right in the heart of the city.

i have always been intrigued by groups of kinfolk and comrades who build a life together that strays from the “good fences make good neighbors” mantra of traditional american culture. when i was in divinity school, i became enamored with the bloomsbury group — virginia wolf, her husband and sister, and all of their various artist and writer friends who shared a home in england.

what attracted me then was the creativity and exchange of ideas fostered by this sort of life. but now that i am a parent, i am also attracted to the idea of shared responsibility and the notion that communities or villages might just do a better job of raising our children than we can do alone.

let’s face it: andy and i cannot really afford to move our family into antebellum bliss. but our brief time on the grounds has me thinking about making intentional connections with neighbors and constructing a life where responsibilities can be shared. this is not a new idea, of course, and folks in other countries have been living this way since the beginning of time.

in bad mother, ayelet waldmen writes of her mother’s committment to shared resonsibility:

“during the headiest era of my mother’s feminist phase, she even figured out a way to spare herself the bulk of the cooking; she and the other members of her consciousness-raising group formed a supper cooperative. each day a different one of them would cook for the group, separate the food into individual family-sized portions, and drop them off at the others’ houses” (54).

along those lines, i have friends who take turns going to each others’ houses to help each other with home projects. and jennifer, who was featured in one of my early “mothers of invention” posts, wrote about a makeshift cooperative pre-school that she and other mothers created for their children.

perhaps we don’t have to pick up and physically move our families in order to move into a space of shared responsibilities. it has been said that by partnering with someone in marriage, one’s burdons are cut in half while one’s joys are doubled. perhaps this is true of all of our cooperative affiliations.

so, when i’m not thinking about how i can make the quick million i would need to move into “the big old house,” as my children call it, i’ll be pontificating about how my version of motherhood might entail becoming more of a village person. it’s fun to think about, don’t you think?

[for more info about the source for this post, check out the bibliography page on the sidebar to your right.]