name: Virginia Reed Murphy

age: 41

current city: Memphis, TN

living situation: I live in a house with:

• my husband, Joe
• boy one, Abel (age five)
• boy two, Harlan (age three)
• man child,  Josh, ( age 21) (He’s a college student and an actor in my theatre company.)

occupation: I am the director of Playback Memphis, a professional improv theatre group that animates audience members’ personal stories using movement, music, metaphor, and the spoken word. In addition, my husband and I co-direct an interactive children’s music program called Music for Aardvarks, Memphis.

how do you structure your time and space? Our life mirrors our Playback work in that there is a loose structure and a lot of room for variation in the moment. One constant is that, for the first time ever, both kids go to school every day from  8:30 to 3:15. Before, both boys got out at 11:30 a.m. and honestly, I have no idea how we ran two small businesses with that scenario. It was pretty nuts.

Another constant is yoga. I go three times a week — usually twice to Bikram, which is stinky and sweaty, and once a week to Lou Hoyt’s Iyengar class at Eastern Sun. Yoga is essential for my neck, it counteracts my extended computer time, and it also prevents me from being institutionalized. (I really believe that I would be a danger to myself and others without the practice. It’s incomprehensible to me how people live without it.)

We have an office at First Congo, a church that is a  block and a half from our house. Sometimes I work there and sometimes I work at home. I would like to make better use of the office. But when I feel pressed for time, I usually stay home to save myself the 15 minutes it takes to pack up the computer and make the block and a half. Very silly. I really do long for my home to be a refuge from work, but when you run your own businesses, that just isn’t reality. It’s with you always.

In addition to their time in school, my children spend time with my mother and Josh. This is awesome. I think every family with two small children should have a Josh living with them. He’s wonderful with the kids and very responsible and creative. I just love that my kids are learning from and relating to him.

My days are completely improvisational and never look the same. The seasons of work dictate much of how I spend my time with the tasks of fundraising for Playback, promoting a new semester for Aardvarks,
meetings with clients, doing administrative work, vision questing about how to grow Aardvarks and Playback, putting together a Playback promo video, and my least favorite activity: bookkeeping. I wear a lot of hats and would very much like an assistant, but we can’t afford one. I’m exploring the intern option.

My homemaking happens in spurts. I really love the idea of living in a space where I experience beauty and creativity as well as order. However, this just feels impossible for me to maintain for any length of time. For example, I had piles of found Mississippi River bank drift wood sitting around my house for months. My kids would be chasing each other with five-foot-long pieces until I finally I made a sculpture for the wall. There is often laundry strewn all over the house, and although I have a system for separating clothes when we wash (towels, our clothes, kids clothes), most of the time the clothes never get put away, so it’s really a pointless system. And I have NO idea how anyone ever puts matching socks on their kids. I’m lucky if a find two socks. I’ve also never brushed my kids’ hair. Fortunately, they can pull it off – I think I would be in a bad way if I had girls.

Dinner is this whole other beast in home-making that I never manage to get a hold of. Sometimes I feed the kids hotdogs and tater tots and let them watch something on Netflix. (We have no TV, but again, what’s the point in having no TV if you park your kids in front of Netflix? I guess rules and structure exist to be broken in our household.) On these evenings, Joe and I drink beer and forgo plates as we stuff ourselves with pita and hummus. Then there are the nights where I get super ambitious and start something from Moosewood Simple Suppers at five o’clock and forget to feed my kids anything. Naturally, by 5:30 they are writhing on the floor in tandem tantrums (usually one of them is naked), the kitchen is a disaster, and I’m thinking, “why in God’s name did I decide tonight was the night for Navajo Stew? My kids won’t even eat it.” And then sometimes I manage to put together some deliciousness that everyone enjoys, and we manage to clean all the work off the dining room table and hold hands and sing the Montessori blessing and the world is right again. All case scenarios are equally us. I guess you could say we have wide range.

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? The biggest challenge is that we don’t make enough money, and I am tired of going into Walgreens and having to think for ten minutes if buying a new toothbrush is a “need” or a “want.” Also, more financial stablility would decrease stress and allow Joe and me to have some more time for just us. For example, we could have date nights that do not entail consuming hummus, pita, and beer while the kids watch TV. Among the many highlights of our current season is the fact that the nature of our work allows us to have a lot of great family time together. Our personal and professional lives are very integrated (meaning we’ve made amazing friends from both the Aardvarks and Playback worlds) and we feel very rooted in our community. We are trying to be the change we want to see in the world (and especially in Memphis) with both Aardvarks and Playback, and although this is challenging at times, it’s an incredible journey for us and our lives are so much richer for it in all the ways that matter.

-what season(s) preceded this one? Imagining and planning the garden I wanted to grow.

-what season(s) might your future hold? I’m hoping that now that the harvest is coming in, I can find some people to give me a good price so I can keep the farm.

favorite family activities: In nice weather we like to bike ride or go to the sandbar at Shelby Forest —  a ridiculously underutilized, best big nature experience in Memphis. We also go camping a lot in Arkansas. This takes a crazy amount of work , but our life is just kind of one crazy production anyway, so we’re used to it. My husband is from farm stock, so he is really good at this kind of thing and the payoff is huge when I see the boys in their full nakedness throwing rocks in that beautiful stream. Joe and I have far too few date nights due to lack of funds, but if I could I would take him to Las Vegas to see Cirque de Soleil’s LOVE. I went with my sisters-in-law a couple of years ago, and now I have this whole new appreciation for the vision of an adult playground. I always snubbed my nose, but if we could take a weekend that would be up there for a top pick.

favorite solo activities: I’m sorry what?

source(s) of inspiration: humanity, our playback company, Aardvarks families, and amazingly talented friends

best MakeShift moment: Harlan used to be obsessed with pretending he was driving in the parked car. Sometimes I would bring the New York Times in the car and lie down in the backseat while he drove. Sometimes I would actually just leave him in the car while I did something inside. One day I came out and he was gone, which completely freaked me out. Every worst case scenario imagineable was running through my mind. It turns out he had found his way into our neighbor’s sports car and was behind the wheel (a much fancier ride). Hilarious, but really not. You shouldn’t leave your two-year-old unattended in a parked car. Creative perhaps, but quite foolish. Good story though. I walk a fine line.

virginia invites memphians to enjoy this weekend’s playback performances:

find virginia on the web:

• music for aardvarks, memphis: http://www.memphisaardvarks.com/
• playback memphis: http://www.playbackmemphis.com/

[if you or someone you know would make a good “mother of invention,” please check out the nomination process and questionnaire located on the sidebar to your right.]

first name:Amie

age: 37

current city: Memphis

living situation: I live in a cute house in midtown Memphis with my husband Eric and our two kids.  Phoebe is five and Frankie is two.

occupation: I teach Senior Kindergarten and just finished my first kids’ craft book, so I think I may be an author too!

Sewing School, published by Storey Books, will be on the shelves this fall.

how do you structure your time and space? Oh boy, this is the hard part – finding the balance between work, writing, family, play, household chores, and crafting. I work full-time and my youngest is at daycare while the five-year-old goes to the school where I teach. Weekdays are pretty hectic and normal. We go to work/school, come home by 5:00 p.m., eat dinner, play for about thirty minutes, and then get ready for bed. After that, I have about two hours of “me time,” which usually entails Eric and me sitting on the couch, watching bad TV, and gearing up for the next day. This is also the time I might do some crafting or catch up on work. 

The weekends are when we really have fun. Eric and I try to give the kids some great experiences and expose them to ideas and activities that mean a lot to us such as the Farmers Market, museums, baseball games, gardening, nature hikes, cooking together, garage sales, and live music.  During nap time, I get busy and use my two hours to craft and work on projects. It’s amazing that when you know you only have a short amount of time, you can make it happen. Eric and I also trade off time with the kids to make room for our own creative pursuits. We definitely have to prioritize our lives. My craft room is a perpetual mess, and I have usually forgotten to do about a million things, but we are happy!

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? Recently, Sewing School, the children’s sewing book I co-wrote, has consumed me. This has been the season of “figuring it all out” for me — figuring out how to write a book in the first place; figuring out how to still be a mom, teacher, and now author; figuring out how to find ever-important time for myself; and figuring out how to give my kids what they need in order to be the kind of people I want them to be.

-what season(s) preceded this one? I was in the “I think I’m getting it!” season before I decided to write the book. I was getting how to be a mom and teacher, getting how to create interesting and creative experiences for my kids, and getting how to create sewing patterns for children (which then led to the book and my current craziness!).

-what season(s) might your future hold? I guess I’ll re-enter the “I think I’m getting it!” season again. Looking back, I realize that this seems to be my norm. I try something new, which turns everything upside down, and then finally “get it” before heading off on the next tangent. 

favorite family activity/activities: Right now, we all look forward to the local farmers market on Saturday mornings. And Eric’s Sunday morning pancakes are a family ritual. Everyone gets involved and helps him cook.

favorite solo activity: Sewing, definitely. I like to sew for my kids and myself and create new sewing patterns for children.

Source(s) of inspiration: I am lucky to work in such an amazing environment at my school. I work with a lot of working moms – moms who offer me advice, share stories, and sympathize with me. Without my workplace family, I would be a mess. I am also a big fan of craft blogs – some of my favorites are linked on my blog, http://sewingschool.blogspot.com. The Sewing School blog documents and shares ideas for sewing and crafting with kids as well as highlights some of my own crafting and family adventures.

Best MakeShift moment: I don’t think I’ve had my ultimate MakeShift moment yet. I’m sure it’s on the horizon, though!

I do my best to offer my kids some tools and ideas to promote independence and creativity. In the kitchen, the kids have a low drawer filled with their own cups, bowls, and plates. I also have some snacks (goldfish, pretzels, et cetera) that they can fix for themselves. While it doesn’t always work, it does keep me from making a million snacks a day!  We also have a great craft area set up for the kids with crayons, markers, paper, scissors, tape, and little recyclable containers and lids. Everything they can use is at their reach. I keep paints and glue high up so that I can control the mess. 

Recently, I helped Phoebe to wash all of her dress-up clothes outside. They were super dirty and needed some TLC. I was afraid that some of the fabric would not make it through the washer, so I got out a bucket with soapy water and she went to work! We hung them on the clothesline.  While she scrubbed away, I got some important weeding done in the garden. She had a blast and now her dress-up clothes are clean and smell fresh. 

find amie on the web:

• amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Sewing-School-Hand-Sewing-Projects-Kids/dp/1603425780/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1274385967&sr=8-3
• blog: http://sewingschool.blogspot.com

first name: Tran

age: Very close to 40 

occupation: 

• I have over 15 years of tv news experience. I left a position as anchor/reporter at ABC 24/UPN 30 when my first child was eight months old.
• Freelance television host and producer, currently hosting and co-producing a tv show titled “Traveling with Tots,” set to debut on ABC 24 on June 26 at 6:30 a.m.
• Contributing writer, Family Fun Spots Magazine, “The Go To Mom”

tran shooting a commercial for hormel foods while her kids watch from the stairs.

how do you structure your time and space? The freelance business is very unpredictable. Some weeks are jammed packed with jobs — writing columns or stories, hosting a tv commercial, producing a web video, field producing for a major network, or being interviewed for a story. Some weeks are completely open. I am grateful that my husband is able to provide for us and afford me this opportunity to have quality time with my little ones and still pursue my professional goals. After working crazy hours in the tv news business for more than 15 years, I can fully appreciate this freedom and flexibility and try not to take it for granted.

I’m very much an organizer so I have tons of “to-do” lists, and I carry my paper calendar (not i-phone or Blackberry) with me everywhere. Everything goes in that calendar (play dates, trips, dinner dates, and the planning steps needed for each). I considered getting one for each family member but decided against it because I didn’t want to have to keep up with all of them. I pack, prepare, and lay out everything we need the night before. Since I consider my five-year-old son to be bright and capable, I made him responsible for getting himself ready for school every morning. I put a clothing organizer in his closet and wrote in the days of the week on it so he can dress himself in the mornings, no questions asked. I love, love it! What a time saver for me in the mornings.

I’m finally in a good place with child care. My son goes to school everyday, my daughter, twice a week. I have two great babysitters we trust and adore. I also love using Kid Station, the drop-in child care facility in East Memphis. It was rough with child care in the beginning. I  was always stressed out and scrambling at the last minute to find someone.

It definitely wasn’t easy trying to juggle it all at first. Until a year ago I was also chairing non-profit and networking boards, organizing fundraisers and attending a ton of events. It was a bit overwhelming at times, but eventually I learned to say no and prioritize. I was taking my babies with me to many of these meetings, events, and even freelance jobs. It was time to cut back. I started giving more quality time to friends and family, teaching my children to be more self-sufficient, and choosing to do things that truly give me joy.

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? Now that my babies are five and two, I feel a little more organized and more rested. We have fun together and even work well together. They are big helpers. It’s so cool to see them growing and changing so much, however, it’s also really tough for me to see my babies become a “big girl” and a “big boy.”

-What season(s) preceded this one? The previous season was a bit stressful. I felt I had to do it all — work, lead, take care of my babies, be involved in the community, socialize, network, et cetera. I thought I had to be Wonder Woman and Supermom.

-What season(s) might your future hold? As my children are spending more time away from me at school, I am spending more time pursuing my other passion — creating a television program for families. “Traveling with Tots” has been in the works for a year and a half now. My partners (who are also parents) and I are ready to take the next step. We don’t know what the future holds, but we are grateful that we have had the opportunity to do this while maintaining quality time with our families.

Favorite family activity/activities: I love doing anything that involves all four members of our family. It’s so great experiencing things together, whether it’s a meal at the dinner table, a play date at the park, or an out of town trip (my favorite was to see the shuttle launch last summer). Even simple things like playing in the backyard together makes me so happy. The kids don’t care what we’re doing, they just like being with their mommy and daddy. 

tran and family enjoy a late-night shuttle launch.

favorite solo activities: When I get some time to myself, even if it’s just for an hour, I just want to sit in front of the tv and watch mindless shows, read magazines at a book store, or surf the net and actually take time to read blogs or stories. I just want to be comfortable and not feel rushed.

sources of inspiration: I draw strength from my husband, Scott. He is such a kind, giving, and thoughtful person. He grounds me, lifts me up and gives me wings.

When I am feeling sorry for myself, I think of my parents. They fled Vietnam with three toddlers during the Fall of Saigon in 1975. They escaped by boat to the United States and started their lives all over with nothing. I will never, ever know what it was like to feel that kind of fear, sadness, hope, relief and freedom. They are remarkable people and I am eternally grateful to them for the life they have given my siblings and me.

best MakeShift moment: I do most of my work at home on the computer so I often send the kids to their playroom and let them do whatever they want — as long as they stay in there. I’ve even put down a big beach towel and packed a picnic so I don’t have to stop and make lunch. They love it!

Rather than buying expensive or ordinary artwork for my son’s bedroom, I bought a blank canvas and some paint at an art supply store and let him create his artwork. His face lit up when I told him what he was going to do, and he was so excited to see it hanging p in his room above his bed.

Toys, movies and coloring books will only keep my kids preoccupied for so long on trips. I like to turn off the radio and spend some time talking with them. I let them make up travel games, we sing songs and I like to play reporter and interview them by asking them lots questions like, “If you could have one superpower, which one would it be?” or “What’s your favorite thing to do at the beach?” This may sound silly, but I feel like I’m actually getting to know them better.

[if you know someone who would make a good “mothers of invention” feature, check out the nomination process details on the sidebar to your right.]

do you have nature deficit disorder? i have looked up this dreadful illness in the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition (DSMIV), and here are the symptoms:

• the day’s time outside consists of the short walk from the house to the car
• your three-year-old considers opening the car windows to be a satisfactory allotment of “fwesh air.”
• you kiddos get winded just watching the claymation dancers on pbs’ “superwhy.”
• your city was uncharacteristically cold this winter for an ungodly amount of time, and all anyone in your family wanted to do was huddle together under blankets by the fire.
• the only sunscreen your house is circa 1986, and it’s spf 4.

here i go again, diagnosing myself and my family with DSMIV disorders, even those with symptoms that i made up myself. but in a recent new york times article called playtime is over, david elkind lamented that our children are more comfortable with technology than they are with nature, and more familiar with global security threats than they are with the ecosystems playing out in their own backyards. and as for the term nature deficit disorder, that’s the language of  dr. cheryl charles, president and ceo of the children and nature network, which has challenged parents to offer alternatives to nature-deficit disorder during the month of april. 

lisa, who blogs at 5 orange potatoes, has organized “the great outdoor challenge,” wherein 120 parents (so far) have committed to schlepping their kids outside every day for the month of april, rain or shine. yours truly has just become parent number 121, and the monkey and the bird are in for a real treat! along with the time outside, parents are encouraged to take and post pictures of all their outdoor glory. we’re in. lisa’s got some great info on her website about things to do with dandelions, fabric dying, and other outdoor activities.

now, apart from compulsively checking my blog for updates, a neurosis that i hope you will adopt, don’t you want to walk away from your computer and out into the great wide open?

[as you can see from this month’s pictures, though we’re late to the official outdoor challenge game, we’ve been unknowingly living up to its stipulations.]

i spent a large portion of my young adult years convinced that the object of life is to be perfect. since i am a minister, some of this was steeped in what i thought was the perfection of jesus. in the area of my spiritual life, i was relieved to learn that the word “pefect” in greek really means “whole.” thank goodness!

but some of my drive for perfection was cultural and was fed by the sleek women’s bodies in style magazines, the pants-suit warriors hammering through the glass ceiling, and finally, the mothers who seemed to float along on lofty platitudes pertaining to breast-feeding, tv-watching, organic-eating, penny-pinching, floor-time playing, and the like. i am strangely grateful that my resolve for perfection died (for the most part) long before i became a mother, myself. it was a painful death, mind you, complete with anxiety attacks and some really good therapy.

but in my experience, we don’t move from perfectionist tendencies to normalcy all at once. there are stages involved, and stage one frequently swings the pendulum in the complete opposite direction. what was once an ugly competition to modal impossible ideals becomes an equally ugly competition to denounce them. in other words, the “i suck contest” begins, and in the context of motherhood, it usually goes something like this:

mother 1: “i haven’t showered in two days.”

mother 2: “oh, please. i haven’t showered in two weeks.”

mother 1: “well, my children watched six hours of pbs today.”

mother 2: “cry me a river. my children watched seven hours of dora today, and my son speaks only in spanglish.”

these conversations are rampant, partly because they are funny and easy. i have participated enthusiastically in these “i suck contexts” because the other common ways in which moms frequently commune (through defending or bragging) are truly abysmal. i am happy to be the very picture of imperfection all day long if the only other alternative is depleting fellow mothers or feeling depleted myself.

but surely there are healthier ways for mothers to be together! there has got to be a way for moms to come clean (pardon the pun) about the daily struggle for balance and sanity without all of this self-deprecating language. this is so difficult when language like this is popping up everywhere and is frequently opening pathways of connection between us. how can we embrace the “i suck contest” for its value and then move beyond it into something deeper and more life-giving?

cognitive behavioral therapists would say that we have to modify our thoughts and language first, and changes in our behavior will follow. so, to that end, i’ll go first.

my name is mary allison. i’m a mother. i am not perfect, nor do i suck.

who’s with me?