a few weeks after the birth of my first child, i schlepped him with me to church to lead a study group. the monkey wore a sweet little gown made for him by my mother. i wore the proudest of mama smiles. but as we emerged from the car, all dapper and ebullient, we were met by this unsolicited piece of advice from one of MANY of the world’s mothering “experts:”

“THAT CHILD NEEDS A HAT!”

i stammered and stalled and ultimately just carried my little bundle inside. it was not until the days and weeks that followed that i had come up with a myriad of explanations and comebacks, the chief of which was,

“IT’S THE SUMMER IN MEMPHIS, LADY. HEY, LET’S STAND OUT HERE IN THE PARKING LOT AND SEE IF WE COULD GET AN EGG TO BOIL ON YOUR FACE!”

i know that i am not the only one who is appalled at the things that mothers say to each other. here are some classic examples from i was a really good mom before i had kids:

• “you’ve got 20 hours of help a week? aren’t you a stay-at-home mom?”
• “how did you guys manage to take so many date nights for yourselves? don’t you feel selfish?”
• “have you asked your kids’ dentist about all the candy they eat?”
• “do your kids feel cramped sharing a room?”
• “that’s so cute — he has spider-man shoes and a spider-man lunchbox. does he watch a lot of TV?” (Ashworth & Nobile, 65).

i think it was around the time i staged the 500th imaginary do-over of the church parking lot scene in my head (each one with wittier comebacks and kathy-bates-in-fried-green-tomatoes-type-vengeance) that i had a conversation with another church lady, and this time a very wise one.

she lamented that as a young mother, she wasted too much energy dwelling on the bombardments of “advice” coming from all directions. as a result, she instituted a standard reply that concisely and diplomatically captured her sentiments: “i am shocked by your rudeness,” she would say to the mothering “experts.”

i love this statement. it is powerful, not only because it gives befuddled moms a way to calmly express themselves but also because it saves said befuddled moms from later spending precious headspace on ego-driven inner dialogues!

next time i go to a baby shower where the mother-to-be is receiving all sorts of useful things like diaper bags, burp cloths, and monitors, i’m going to give the honoree something that will be equally useful: the wise church lady’s one-liner — the key to maintaining the proudest of mama smiles. it’s quite a good gift, when you consider the possible alternative: