first name: Sharon

age: 40 (really?!)

current city: Memphis

living situation: I live with Scott, my husband of almost 16 years, and our daughters Madeleine (12) and Sophie (9). Our furry children, Millie and Henry, are portuguese water dogs.

occupation: stay at home mom and part time student

how do you structure your time and space? On weekdays, I get up around 6:45 to help get the kids out the door for school. Tuesdays and Fridays are typically days to go to the grocery and make my all-time-favorite Target run. To some, my days may sound rather mundane, but I am never bored. There is never enough time in the days and weeks! I have recently come to understand myself as the CEO of my home. This realization gives me great pleasure, and in a strange way, I feel rather powerful. My kids adore their father, and he is hands-on and helpful, but they usually come to me with their needs and concerns. Maybe Madeleine and Sophie rely on me for everything because I am their fellow female. But Scott relies on me too! I find myself saying things such as, “No, I do not know where you put your wallet!!!”

I try extremely hard each week to make sure I am taking care of me in some way while my children are at school and Scott is at work. Once they get home, it’s all about them. I allow myself an hour each morning to have my coffee and watch the Today show. I am enrolled part time at University of Memphis, where I am working on my Bachelor’s degree in Child Development. Going to school has given me the opportunity to use my brain for something other than managing my household, and it has also helped shine a light on my path which has often seemed blurry. I go to a dream-interpretation group once a week with some very wise and interesting ladies. I also attend a study group at my church every Thursday that I can. I also try every week to connect with a friend by having coffee or lunch. I have learned that my friends feed my soul, and in order to stay connected with them, I have to reach out. It’s just that simple. 

Sometimes there are just days I do not have it in me to be a mom. I do not beat myself up about it. My kids are old enough now that they understand when I tell them I just cannot be present at this particular time. I lean on Scott and he comes through for me during these times. I just tell them the truth; I don’t dance around it. I think my kids appreciate that about me. I think I am teaching them how to speak up and say out loud what they are feeling. I hope I am teaching them the value of verbally expressing their needs. 

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? I have felt for quite some time now that I am in between the seasons of winter and spring. I can see the buds of new growth. I can smell the new air. I can hear the birds making their way back, but I am just not quite there. It’s a wonderful place to be but it’s also frustrating. I feel this overwhelming sense of something I just cannot give a word to.  I know that there is a new path for me that goes beyond motherhood. I can feel it. But, I still don’t know what it is, and that is very frustrating. I am so envious of women who know exactly what their gifts are and how to share them with the world. I know being in school is the right path, but sometimes I wonder what in the world I am doing! I am trying to discern what my spiritual gifts are and allow my spirit to guide me. 

My daughters are growing up both physically and emotionally. Madeleine is twelve and her hormones are surging. She is having a tough year at school and that just breaks my heart. I am finding that watching my girls grow up so very quickly is taking quite a toll on me emotionally.

-What season(s) preceded this one? Before this season, I was in a dark and gloomy winter. I struggled with depression in my twenties and thirties, but the past few years have brought a different struggle that has been just as painful as depression. My health took a strange and frightening turn. My kids were going through all sorts of new phases that were no fun at all. My marriage was going through growing pains. Part of my family moved back to Memphis which brought about all sorts of new and unexpected challenges. But, I’ve come to realize that it is during these hard times when I learn something new about myself. I make it to the other side and feel a sense of accomplishment, and I also feel just a bit wiser.

favorite family activity/activities: We love our girls. We love taking them on trips. We love taking them to Broadway shows at the Orpheum. We love listening to all their stories. They are our inspiration. We look at them sometimes and cannot believe our love made these two fabulous beings. 

favorite solo activities: I love to read, see movies, and travel, but my favorite pass time is enjoying time with friends and family. Scott and I both love to cook and eat, so any time we are with friends and family, it involves yummy food. We also really enjoy wine and love coming across a fantastic $12 bottle! Scott and I live a quiet life. We spend most of our time with each other. We love to go on dates. We try to have date night every week.

sources of inspiration: Besides my daughters, I am inspired by women who know who they are and what they want. I am inspired by my mother-in-law who is the wisest person I have ever known. I am inspired by my mother who never ever complains. I am inspired by my very eclectic group of girl friends. I am inspired by nature in particular trees and birds. I am inspired by people who always see the glass half full.

best MakeShift moment: I am sure this is not all that creative but it is a memory I have that always makes me smile.

When Madeleine was a toddler I could not provide enough entertainment for her. She was always ready to play! This was exhausting! There was a day that I just needed her to be occupied with something other than me. I gave her all my makeup, and for one whole hour she sat in the middle of our porch in the backyard and covered her little body from head to toe with lipstick, eyeliner, shadow, blush, and powder. It took forever to wash it all off, and I feel certain there are still make up stains on that porch to this day.

We do not need to personally entertain our children all of the time!  Just give them a box of makeup and let their imagination take over!

[if you know someone who would make a good “mothers of invention” feature, check out the nomination process detailed on the sidebar pages to the right.]

first name: Kate

age: 26

current city: [withheld]

living situation: I live with my amazing husband, Todd a.k.a. “The Phatness,” my precious ten month old, Logan, and my 100 pound beast trapped in a Yorkie body, Georgio. 

occupation: Currently, I am a stay-at-home mom. But I am also a graduate student on sabbatical, working toward a master’s in social work so that I can be an LCSW (a therapist). I took this past year off to stay at home with my son, Logan. It was so important to me that I be able to do that, and then all the cards fell into place.

When I graduate, I hope to run my counseling practice and work within the Latino community of my state.My state has the fastest growing Latino population in the nation, and there isn’t a single Spanish speaking counselor in my area.

how do you structure your time and space? I guess on the outside, my life structure would appear to be pretty conventional. I’m a stay at home mom, and my husband goes to an eight to five job. But when you start peeling back the layers of it all you see that we really aren’t that traditional. Todd does the dishes while watching football, and I asked for a power drill and Lowe’s cards for Christmas!

In regards to a daily time structure, I am very lucky to have the flexibility that comes with staying at home. If I want to go to the library or the park with Logan at 9:00 a.m. but we don’t get there until ten or noon, then I can usually be happy with that too.

I will be goingback to school on May 17th, and I have no, I mean absolutely NO idea how we are going to work that out. Is Logan going to stay with someone in our home? Is he going to go to the University daycare? Will he do both? No idea. I will have a more interesting answer once school has started. I will definitely be blogging about that if you want to check back in with me. School used to be my MAIN focus. I wanted a 4.0, I wanted to be in honor societies, et cetera. But now I’m terrified of how I’m going to make it work because my whole world shifted when Logan was born. My main focus now is Logan. It will be an interesting adjustment to school because I am such a perfectionist.

Until then, my career takes place in “the nursery,” and has been the hardest job I’ve ever had (not the only one that included poop though. Life guarding + baby pool = no fun!). I mean seriously, this job involves dodging projectile vomit (which takes mad skills), while trying to avoid the other end that occasionally has projectile you-know-what too, consistent all-nighters, and random bouts of “the boss” screaming at you for no apparent reason. But one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is that spit up, dirty diapers, and sleep deprivation won’t kill me (at least not yet).

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? I feel like my current challenge is learning how to balance things I love to do for ME andthings I need and love to do with Logan. Learning how to be a mother has been wonderful, but it has also been a struggle to adjust to the life of loving someone so much more than myself.

The highlights of my “season” are being able to share with Logan all his “firsts.” It was very important for me to be with him this year. Another highlight of mine was being accepted into the master’s of social work program. Last year I was a history grad student, found out I was pregnant, and had no idea what I was going to do with a history masters!

-What season(s) preceded this one? Pregnancy was hard! I was having a hard time adjusting to that loss of “maidenhood,” as a friend once called it. Becoming a mother was an extremely difficult challenge for me. I was sick for 35 of the 39 weeks I was pregnant, we were figuring out our financial situation to make way for the baby, we were house hunting, and I was in gradschool and working. It was just really hard.

Where I am currently in my life right now just feels perfect! I feel like I finally have a handle on everything!

-What season(s) might your future hold? I’m really looking forward to getting back on campus and finishing my degree. I honestly think that I’m looking forward to sitting in class and having a whole 50 minutes all to myself! And I’m a nerd anyways. I love school!

favorite family activities: I love it when we go to the park as a family, go hiking, or just hang out in the den playing cards with a movie in the background. And Todd and I love to go to the movies together whenever we get the chance.

favorite solo activities: I like to exercise (running & I have a love/hate relationship!). I LOVE to read! I love to go to home-improvement stores andjust wander around looking at everything andenvisioning the projects that could happen! I love my jetted whirlpool tub and any chance I get to hang out in it!

sources of inspiration: My mother, for certain. She went to law school and had two babies before she finished her program. That’s amazing to me! If she can do it, I hope I can too.

 Whenever I start feelingreally down and defeated, I turn to 1 Peter 5:8. That always helps.

And honestly, many of the women I have found in the blogging world inspire me. They are doing exactly what I’m doing, and it’s just comforting to read that I’m not alone in the chaos that is motherhood.

best MakeShift moment: Well, let’s see… I’m typing this right now in the bathroom floor while Logan is taking a bath. He was screaming at me at the top of his lungs, so I popped him in there and he’s having a blast!

 Also, Logan is going through the typical separation anxiety. Did you know that I’m not allowed to go the bathroom without holding him? God forbid I do something without including him, right? Showers are a big no-no for him too. If he so much as hears the shower water turn on, he flips out. So, I now take baths andput him in the floor with all of his toys. He usually stands at the edge of the tub andknocks big bottles of shampoo into the water. It hurts when he aims them just right and they land on top of me, but at least I get clean!

Find Kate on the web at http://www.mommymonologues.com/  and at Mommy Monologues on Facebook!

first name: Elizabeth

age: 45

current city:  Memphis

living situation: I live with my husband, son who is 16, and daughter who is 13. I am lucky to live in the same town as my mother and my brothers and their families.

occupation: Mother/Part-time lawyer

how do you structure your time and space? I was a full-time lawyer before I had my children.  I was fortunate to be able to stay home with them for about ten years. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything. I had an opportunity to go back to my firm about five years ago, and they let me be part-time. The timing was right for me and I am glad to have the adult interaction, a little income, and the sense of pride that comes with doing the job well.

I don’t think part-time allows one to “have it all”. I took myself off any partnership track, I make less than one might expect, and I have to deal with people who make snide comments when I leave at 2:30 to go to carpool line. However, I do have some income, I have the satisfaction of knowing my input helps and makes a difference at the office, I have a sense of pride in having the job I do. Everyone knows that my children and my family are my top priorities and the job only works for me as long as it works for my family.

The biggest thing for me is learning to say “no” and not feel guilty.  I am better at the first but still struggling with the second.

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? I think I am in the season of contentment right now. My children are both in good places right now and are happy and settled in school. They are fairly independent, but still share with my husband and me. My husband and I are best friends and enjoy having more time together. I have a job that allows me flexibility. I am thankful for facebook and text messaging to be in touch with friends.

-what season(s) preceded this one? The season of uncertainty.  I had decisions about what schools my kids would attend, whether I would go back to work, how would I make some type of activity for me fit in with the focus on motherhood I want. 

-what season(s) might your future hold? The season of wonder. I wonder where my kids will go to college, what they will do and whom they will love. I wonder how my mother will manage without the love of her life. I wonder what my husband and I will do with an empty nest. I wonder if I will want to work more—I doubt that.

favorite family activities: Going to dinner, going to the lake, just being together. 

favorite solo activities: Reading, knitting or smocking, playing on the computer.

sources of inspiration: My parents, my husband and my kids.

best MakeShift moment: The best makeshift moments for me are when friends and I collaborate to shuffle our respective children (who are also friends) to their various and conflicting activities so that we don’t have to be two places at once.

I also think that cell phones have transformed motherhood.  I used to sit in carpool line and use that time to talk to friends without feeling like I needed to be playing with a child, cooking dinner, or doing laundry. It was time that worked for phone calls.

if you or someone you know would make a good “mothers of invention” feature, check out the sidebar to your right for pages about the nomination process.

here’s a fossil-like piece of advice for housewives in 1969:

“when father returns home in the evening, he needs a quiet transition period between the demands of the world and the demands of his family. father should not be met at the door with a bombardment of complaints and requests. a ready drink, a hot shower, the daily mail, the weekly magazine, and the ‘no questions’ period help create an oasis of tranquility that adds greatly to the quality of family life. from early childhood, children learn that when daddy comes home, he needs a short period of calm and comfort” (ginott, 136).

dear god, thank you for not making me a housewife in 1969. amen.

[source found in bibliography section of sidebar.]

[this one is for katie in sunny california. all quotation sources can be found by clicking on the bibligraphy page in the sidebar.]

early in my parenting career i accidentally wandered onto the battlefield where working moms and stay-at-home moms go to embed their insecurities in the condemnation of each other. funny — i just thought i was taking my kid to the playground. i was hoisting my little monkey into the swing when i had my first encounter. before she ever even learned my name, a fellow mother asked me if i stay at home full time (and strangely, whether or not i know how to knit). i was nobody until was grouped into one of two categories: that of the working mothers who don’t care about their kids, and that of the stay-at-home moms whose brains are mushy and full of cobwebs.

here is but one arrow in the quiver of the stay-at-home mother:

“whose life was ‘worth’ more — the mother’s or the child’s?… if a woman ‘chose’ to work, she was doing so at the ‘expense’ of her child” (warner 2005, 117-118).

the working mother might load her cannon with this:

“studies have never shown that total immersion in motherhood makes mothers happy or does their children any good. on the contrary, studies have shown that  mothers who are able to make a life for themselves tend to be happy and to make their children happy. the self-fulfillment they get from a well-rounded life actually makes them more emotionally available for their children — in part because they’re less needy” (warner 2005, 133).

my old marriage and family textbook explains that happy, satisfied mothers are more able to raise happy, satisfied children. it is not whether one stays at home or works outside of the home that relates to the health of her children. rather, a mother’s feelings about how she spends her days are more directly linked to her children’s well-being (kaplan 1998, 134).

the funny thing about this situation is that, if what my textbook says is true (and i believe it is), then these disparaging playground conversations undermine a mother’s happiness and by proxy, the happiness of her children. the mommy wars themselves are the problem, not the vocational choices we make.

so let’s quit this already! the next time someone hears how you spend your days and concludes that you are either heartless or brainless, just tell her to go to her room! if we’re going to ask our kids to play fair, we’re going to have to start heeding our own advice. let’s at least learn each other’s names before we pick teams.