they say that having children is the kiss of death to parents’ brain cells.

i now stand in the kitchen and think, “where do we keep the plates? why am i forgetting this? is it part of the aging process or because i am distracted by the naked bird who is drawing all over himself while standing on the kitchen counter? i guess i’ll never know.”

the very same adults who excel in the board room, the court room, and the classroom, people who have been forming reasonable sentances all of their lives, say the most ridiculous things to their children.

my friend who has a phD drew my attention to this phenomenon. it seems that no amount of schooling can prevent one from uttering words such as:

watch out for the broccoli on the stairs.

i have two (TWO!) friends who confess to having said to their kids with great authority:

do not lick the car.

in just a week of paying attention to my own absurd directives, i have been appalled as the following words have left my lips:

hold your sandwich so i can wipe your bottom.

if you are going to play with the fire, please use a different stick.

you may not hit your brother in the swimming pool.

and finally, in reference to the above mentioned kitchen counter escapades of the bird:

do not color your penis.

the good news is that all of this stuff made perfect sense in context. the bad news is that parenting presents the most preposterous series of contexts!

in the coming weeks, i’m going to be reporting on the wacko words that escape my mouth, and i hope you’ll do the same. send me your own personal versions of authoritative nonsense.

what we are losing in brain cells, we might just make up for in hysterical fits of laughter.

first name: Sharon

age: 37

current city: Memphis

living situation: I live with my husband of almost 15 years and two daughters, ages nine and five.

occupation: I am a full-time mom and a part-time psychologist.

how do you structure your time and space? I work as a psychologist about 15 hours per week on Mondays and Wednesdays (while the kids are in school) and Friday afternoons (when my husband is off work and caring for the kids). I try to do most of the laundry, cleaning, de-cluttering, and other random household and personal tasks on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I also meet with a group of friends most Tuesdays after lunch to discuss our dreams (both aspirational and nocturnal). Friday mornings I spend with my husband–running errands, having a lunch date, and just generally reconnecting. Weekends are family time. 

It’s a little harder during the summer. I hire a sitter for only the hours I need to see clients, which makes it challenging to keep up with paperwork and housework. But, in general, this schedule works well for our family. I’m happy to have found a rewarding way to stay involved in my profession and keep my license active while also being able to pick the kids up from school most days and chaperon the occasional field trip. 

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives, 

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? Having grown up in Texas, where the seasons are Hot, Hotter, and Slightly Less Hot, I’m having a hard time using the seasons metaphor for my life. But, whatever you want to call it, this is a really good season. We are all happy with our work/school arrangements; we have great friends; our church is a loving and nurturing environment for all of us; and we live within walking distance of our daughters’ school, a first-rate zoo, and several parks and playgrounds.

-What season(s) preceded this one? The previous season was a transitional one for me. I had spent some time as a stay-at-home mom and was ready to find a way to practice psychology again. I had always thought I would simply go back to working in a college counseling center again, but when I received an offer to work at one full-time, I had to face the reality that I just wasn’t willing to give up the flexibility of being able to be present for homework, after-school snacks, and periodic field trips. That was the most difficult “no” I have ever said. Even though I was absolutely certain that it was the right decision, I was terrified that I wouldn’t find a way to be a part-time psychologist and a full-time mom, and that I would lose an important part of who I was. At the time, I wasn’t ready to launch into private practice, but I did find a place where I could work part-time. That work environment ended up being unhealthy for me, but it did provide me the opportunity to learn the skills I needed to eventually go into private practice.

-What season(s) might your future hold? I’m sure the future holds another transitional phase for me, but I have no idea when that may come about. Until then, I’m just enjoying everything that is great about the current season. This living fully in the present is a new skill for me, but I like it.

favorite family activities: Wii because it allows everyone to participate despite varying skill levels, vacationing (and visiting family) in Texas, board games, going out for sorbet.

favorite solo activities: Reading is my most loved solo activity. I’m usually working my way through several books at the same time—a mixture of non-fiction (especially psychology, neuroscience, religion/spirituality), children’s literature (because it’s fun and provides a special connection with my daughter who reads the same books), and adult fiction. I also enjoy yoga and journaling (the low-tech variety), but I have to admit I am somewhat sporadic with those practices.

sources of inspiration: My friends, my dreams, books, my husband’s sermons and other writings.

best MakeShift moment: I agree with others who have pointed out that parenting is a never-ending series of makeshift moments. But one of my favorite such moments was when my oldest daughter was three. Several of her friends in the seminary housing complex we lived in had butterfly nets, and she really wanted one. We looked everywhere, and there were none to be found in any store. So I took a small needlework hoop, plastic netting some bath toys had come in, a smooth stick from the playground, and some duct tape, and I constructed a little net for her. She loved it and played with it for many months afterward. In fact, it outlasted her friends’ store-bought nets. And the best part is that, as a result of this and other similar moments, my daughter thinks of me as “the parent who fixes things”, which I overheard her telling our younger daughter recently. That is a much better title than “the mom who doesn’t cook”, which is also true, and once prompted my four-year-old to exclaim, “How will we eat?!” when she learned her dad would be out of town for a while.

[if you or someone you know would make a good feature on the MakeShift revolution, please check out the questionnaire and nomination process located on the sidebar to your right.]

first name: Sharon

age: 40 (really?!)

current city: Memphis

living situation: I live with Scott, my husband of almost 16 years, and our daughters Madeleine (12) and Sophie (9). Our furry children, Millie and Henry, are portuguese water dogs.

occupation: stay at home mom and part time student

how do you structure your time and space? On weekdays, I get up around 6:45 to help get the kids out the door for school. Tuesdays and Fridays are typically days to go to the grocery and make my all-time-favorite Target run. To some, my days may sound rather mundane, but I am never bored. There is never enough time in the days and weeks! I have recently come to understand myself as the CEO of my home. This realization gives me great pleasure, and in a strange way, I feel rather powerful. My kids adore their father, and he is hands-on and helpful, but they usually come to me with their needs and concerns. Maybe Madeleine and Sophie rely on me for everything because I am their fellow female. But Scott relies on me too! I find myself saying things such as, “No, I do not know where you put your wallet!!!”

I try extremely hard each week to make sure I am taking care of me in some way while my children are at school and Scott is at work. Once they get home, it’s all about them. I allow myself an hour each morning to have my coffee and watch the Today show. I am enrolled part time at University of Memphis, where I am working on my Bachelor’s degree in Child Development. Going to school has given me the opportunity to use my brain for something other than managing my household, and it has also helped shine a light on my path which has often seemed blurry. I go to a dream-interpretation group once a week with some very wise and interesting ladies. I also attend a study group at my church every Thursday that I can. I also try every week to connect with a friend by having coffee or lunch. I have learned that my friends feed my soul, and in order to stay connected with them, I have to reach out. It’s just that simple. 

Sometimes there are just days I do not have it in me to be a mom. I do not beat myself up about it. My kids are old enough now that they understand when I tell them I just cannot be present at this particular time. I lean on Scott and he comes through for me during these times. I just tell them the truth; I don’t dance around it. I think my kids appreciate that about me. I think I am teaching them how to speak up and say out loud what they are feeling. I hope I am teaching them the value of verbally expressing their needs. 

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? I have felt for quite some time now that I am in between the seasons of winter and spring. I can see the buds of new growth. I can smell the new air. I can hear the birds making their way back, but I am just not quite there. It’s a wonderful place to be but it’s also frustrating. I feel this overwhelming sense of something I just cannot give a word to.  I know that there is a new path for me that goes beyond motherhood. I can feel it. But, I still don’t know what it is, and that is very frustrating. I am so envious of women who know exactly what their gifts are and how to share them with the world. I know being in school is the right path, but sometimes I wonder what in the world I am doing! I am trying to discern what my spiritual gifts are and allow my spirit to guide me. 

My daughters are growing up both physically and emotionally. Madeleine is twelve and her hormones are surging. She is having a tough year at school and that just breaks my heart. I am finding that watching my girls grow up so very quickly is taking quite a toll on me emotionally.

-What season(s) preceded this one? Before this season, I was in a dark and gloomy winter. I struggled with depression in my twenties and thirties, but the past few years have brought a different struggle that has been just as painful as depression. My health took a strange and frightening turn. My kids were going through all sorts of new phases that were no fun at all. My marriage was going through growing pains. Part of my family moved back to Memphis which brought about all sorts of new and unexpected challenges. But, I’ve come to realize that it is during these hard times when I learn something new about myself. I make it to the other side and feel a sense of accomplishment, and I also feel just a bit wiser.

favorite family activity/activities: We love our girls. We love taking them on trips. We love taking them to Broadway shows at the Orpheum. We love listening to all their stories. They are our inspiration. We look at them sometimes and cannot believe our love made these two fabulous beings. 

favorite solo activities: I love to read, see movies, and travel, but my favorite pass time is enjoying time with friends and family. Scott and I both love to cook and eat, so any time we are with friends and family, it involves yummy food. We also really enjoy wine and love coming across a fantastic $12 bottle! Scott and I live a quiet life. We spend most of our time with each other. We love to go on dates. We try to have date night every week.

sources of inspiration: Besides my daughters, I am inspired by women who know who they are and what they want. I am inspired by my mother-in-law who is the wisest person I have ever known. I am inspired by my mother who never ever complains. I am inspired by my very eclectic group of girl friends. I am inspired by nature in particular trees and birds. I am inspired by people who always see the glass half full.

best MakeShift moment: I am sure this is not all that creative but it is a memory I have that always makes me smile.

When Madeleine was a toddler I could not provide enough entertainment for her. She was always ready to play! This was exhausting! There was a day that I just needed her to be occupied with something other than me. I gave her all my makeup, and for one whole hour she sat in the middle of our porch in the backyard and covered her little body from head to toe with lipstick, eyeliner, shadow, blush, and powder. It took forever to wash it all off, and I feel certain there are still make up stains on that porch to this day.

We do not need to personally entertain our children all of the time!  Just give them a box of makeup and let their imagination take over!

[if you know someone who would make a good “mothers of invention” feature, check out the nomination process detailed on the sidebar pages to the right.]