about halfasecond after andy and i got married, people started asking us when we were going to have children. poor little nosy souls… they were forced to wait for six whole years for us to fit quaintly into their definition of family. there was a lightness about those years (probably the sheer absence of diaper bags and clinging children) but people sort of regarded us lightly too. i didn’t notice this, of course, until my life became full of baby love, it’s accompanying luggage, and the sudden respect i received just for having a small human being in my charge. seemingly overnight, members of our community began respecting our decisions to bow out early from a parties, to let the answering machine field our calls, and to decline “invitations” to chaperon church lock-ins. this regard for our boundaries has been a lovely, unexpected parenting perk.

for me, six years was long enough to be married without children; it felt too long, in fact. but what about those who simply choose not to become parents? my friends who have opted out of the parenting thing report that they feel left out, at best, and badgered and disrespected, at worst. 

elizabeth gilbert has recently brought this phenomenon to light in her book committed. she writes of the questions and judgements imposed upon her and others who have chosen not to have children. but she also points out that our society is actually better for having “aunties” and “(s)parents.” she writes,

“Even within my own community, I can see where I have been vital sometimes as a member of the Auntie Brigade. My job is not merely to spoil and indulge my niece and nephew (though I do take that assignment to heart) but also to be a roving auntie to the world — an ambassador auntie —who is on hand wherever help is needed, in anybody’s family whatsoever. There are people I’ve been able to help, sometimes fully supporting them for years, because I am not obliged, as a mother would be obliged, to put all my energies and resources into the full-time rearing of a child. There are a whole bunch of Little League uniforms and orthodontist’s bills and college educations that I will never have to pay for, thereby freeing up resources to spread more widely across the community. In this way, I, too, foster life. There are many, many ways to foster life. And believe me, every single one of them is essential.”

my children have several “aunties” and “(s)parents” in their lives. the glee with which the monkey and bird approach our friends, ruth, martha, hope, sarah, and phil (just to name a few) is second only to the relief i feel when someone with renewed energy and delight in toddler antics enters my front door. i hear these “aunties” and “(s)parents laugh at my kids’ jokes. i watch them join my children for an afternoon of porch swinging and story telling. i see them get down on the floor and immerse themselves in legoland and the enterprise of space-ship-building. and then, when these friends leave, i am able to see my children more for the funny little wonders that they are and less for the little tornadic wind storms that they can be.

so to all of the “aunties” and “(s)parents” of the world, i say THANK YOU. i respect your place in life, and i am thankful for it. there really are “many ways to foster life.” and to those who foster life here at our house, i am so, so grateful.

[the elizabeth gilbert quote is from https://www.babble.com/elizabeth-gilbert-committed-marriage/.]

[as promised, here is sarah’s new york times letter to the editor:]

To the Editor:

As a 28-year-old former New Yorker with a successful career in marketing, I am constantly thinking about work-life balance as my husband and I prepare to try for our first baby.

His thriving career would allow me to stay home with few financial sacrifices. Still, I’ve fought hard to convince him that I can share the privilege of providing for our family so that he’ll have the same freedom I do to pursue alternate career paths and a deep relationship with our children.

These young women who have their hearts set on dabbling in a job for a decade before raising families full time are about as realistic as Naugahyde – it’s the 1950’s all over again, with a twist.

They’re locking today’s men in the provider role just as securely as postwar women were locked into the homemaker role. Not fair then; not fair now.

Sarah

Tampa, Florida

first name: Sarah

age: 33 

current city: Tampa

living situation: Husband and son, age two. We live in an older house close to downtown.

occupation: Marketing director for a Fortune 100 insurance company

how do you structure your time and space? I have a traditional corporate job where I’m required to be at my office from about 8:30-5:00, five days a week. However, I don’t have a Blackberry or a laptop for security reasons, so I really do leave it all at the office. My son goes to a wonderful daycare, and he adores his teachers and his friends there.

My home-making philosophy in a nutshell: outsourcing. I have a house cleaner and I use a meal preparation service where I go to a commercial kitchen and prepare a month’s worth of dinners to freeze. My house is far cleaner and we eat much better (for the same price) than when we did all this ourselves! This way, I can spend the time I do have with my son in the mornings and evenings focusing on him, not cooking dinner or picking up the house.

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? My current season is winter, because in winter we draw closer to our families, huddle together to enjoy each others’ warmth, and eliminate unnecessary things from our lives in order to conserve energy. It’s a great metaphor for my life right now because I’m constantly choosing family over other interests. It’s hard to resist the temptation to pack things into my life, but I am a better mother when I am focused and not worn out by too many outside demands.

-what season(s) preceded this one? Summer, because I had a job that involved more “playtime” (marketing for a nonprofit) but also required really long days and weekends at the expense of my family.

-what season(s) might your future hold? Right now we’re in a little bit of a holding pattern. Once our future plans are clearer, I think it will feel like fall, when you get that “back to school” feeling, plan out your activities, get into a new routine, and meet new people.

favorite family activity: Our neighborhood has quiet streets and wonderful parks with playgrounds, so we load up the jogging stroller and take a family walk to the playground. It’s free, we get some exercise, and we always meet a new friend.

favorite solo activity: If I bolt out the door the second my son’s head hits the pillow at night, I can make it to a 7:30 hot yoga class and he never even knows I’m gone.

sources of inspiration: Myself, five years ago! I went on the record in a very public way (letter to the editor of the New York Times) about my commitment to sharing the responsibility of supporting my family so that my husband could pursue his career dreams and be an involved parent to our children. Right after the letter was published, my husband supported me when I quit a great corporate job to do something I’d always wanted to do—marketing for a nonprofit that served families and children. Then, last fall, he took a long-awaited opportunity to shift from a well-paid advertising agency leadership position into full time teaching at the college level, and I was able to go back to a corporate marketing job to bring in more income. I was so proud that I could help make his dream a reality, and his job will get even more flexible and family-friendly as time goes on.

 Don’t get me wrong. It has been so hard to “walk the walk”, but in the end it’s worked out like I hoped. And when I get overwhelmed or think that I am a horrible mother for having a full-time job outside the home, I remember how proud I was of my mother for helping to support our family financially, and that I always felt close to her even though there were other people who took care of me during the day. Plus, what two-year-old doesn’t LOVE having daddy around more often!

best MakeShift moment: Recently we got a massive heating bill, so I bought a programmable thermostat. Of course, I wanted to install it right away, but I had to cut off the power so I didn’t electrocute myself while I connected the wiring, and it was hard to see in the dark hallway with the lights off. So I had my son hold the flashlight, and my husband hold my son, so that I could see to install the thermostat on the wall. It was an instant family bonding moment, and I got a big “to-do” done too. Now, my son even “helps” alongside me with his little pretend tools while I do all sorts of household projects. He thinks we’re playing together!

stay tuned for tomorrow’s post: sarah’s new york times letter to the editor.