name: Virginia Reed Murphy

age: 41

current city: Memphis, TN

living situation: I live in a house with:

• my husband, Joe
• boy one, Abel (age five)
• boy two, Harlan (age three)
• man child,  Josh, ( age 21) (He’s a college student and an actor in my theatre company.)

occupation: I am the director of Playback Memphis, a professional improv theatre group that animates audience members’ personal stories using movement, music, metaphor, and the spoken word. In addition, my husband and I co-direct an interactive children’s music program called Music for Aardvarks, Memphis.

how do you structure your time and space? Our life mirrors our Playback work in that there is a loose structure and a lot of room for variation in the moment. One constant is that, for the first time ever, both kids go to school every day from  8:30 to 3:15. Before, both boys got out at 11:30 a.m. and honestly, I have no idea how we ran two small businesses with that scenario. It was pretty nuts.

Another constant is yoga. I go three times a week — usually twice to Bikram, which is stinky and sweaty, and once a week to Lou Hoyt’s Iyengar class at Eastern Sun. Yoga is essential for my neck, it counteracts my extended computer time, and it also prevents me from being institutionalized. (I really believe that I would be a danger to myself and others without the practice. It’s incomprehensible to me how people live without it.)

We have an office at First Congo, a church that is a  block and a half from our house. Sometimes I work there and sometimes I work at home. I would like to make better use of the office. But when I feel pressed for time, I usually stay home to save myself the 15 minutes it takes to pack up the computer and make the block and a half. Very silly. I really do long for my home to be a refuge from work, but when you run your own businesses, that just isn’t reality. It’s with you always.

In addition to their time in school, my children spend time with my mother and Josh. This is awesome. I think every family with two small children should have a Josh living with them. He’s wonderful with the kids and very responsible and creative. I just love that my kids are learning from and relating to him.

My days are completely improvisational and never look the same. The seasons of work dictate much of how I spend my time with the tasks of fundraising for Playback, promoting a new semester for Aardvarks,
meetings with clients, doing administrative work, vision questing about how to grow Aardvarks and Playback, putting together a Playback promo video, and my least favorite activity: bookkeeping. I wear a lot of hats and would very much like an assistant, but we can’t afford one. I’m exploring the intern option.

My homemaking happens in spurts. I really love the idea of living in a space where I experience beauty and creativity as well as order. However, this just feels impossible for me to maintain for any length of time. For example, I had piles of found Mississippi River bank drift wood sitting around my house for months. My kids would be chasing each other with five-foot-long pieces until I finally I made a sculpture for the wall. There is often laundry strewn all over the house, and although I have a system for separating clothes when we wash (towels, our clothes, kids clothes), most of the time the clothes never get put away, so it’s really a pointless system. And I have NO idea how anyone ever puts matching socks on their kids. I’m lucky if a find two socks. I’ve also never brushed my kids’ hair. Fortunately, they can pull it off – I think I would be in a bad way if I had girls.

Dinner is this whole other beast in home-making that I never manage to get a hold of. Sometimes I feed the kids hotdogs and tater tots and let them watch something on Netflix. (We have no TV, but again, what’s the point in having no TV if you park your kids in front of Netflix? I guess rules and structure exist to be broken in our household.) On these evenings, Joe and I drink beer and forgo plates as we stuff ourselves with pita and hummus. Then there are the nights where I get super ambitious and start something from Moosewood Simple Suppers at five o’clock and forget to feed my kids anything. Naturally, by 5:30 they are writhing on the floor in tandem tantrums (usually one of them is naked), the kitchen is a disaster, and I’m thinking, “why in God’s name did I decide tonight was the night for Navajo Stew? My kids won’t even eat it.” And then sometimes I manage to put together some deliciousness that everyone enjoys, and we manage to clean all the work off the dining room table and hold hands and sing the Montessori blessing and the world is right again. All case scenarios are equally us. I guess you could say we have wide range.

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? The biggest challenge is that we don’t make enough money, and I am tired of going into Walgreens and having to think for ten minutes if buying a new toothbrush is a “need” or a “want.” Also, more financial stablility would decrease stress and allow Joe and me to have some more time for just us. For example, we could have date nights that do not entail consuming hummus, pita, and beer while the kids watch TV. Among the many highlights of our current season is the fact that the nature of our work allows us to have a lot of great family time together. Our personal and professional lives are very integrated (meaning we’ve made amazing friends from both the Aardvarks and Playback worlds) and we feel very rooted in our community. We are trying to be the change we want to see in the world (and especially in Memphis) with both Aardvarks and Playback, and although this is challenging at times, it’s an incredible journey for us and our lives are so much richer for it in all the ways that matter.

-what season(s) preceded this one? Imagining and planning the garden I wanted to grow.

-what season(s) might your future hold? I’m hoping that now that the harvest is coming in, I can find some people to give me a good price so I can keep the farm.

favorite family activities: In nice weather we like to bike ride or go to the sandbar at Shelby Forest —  a ridiculously underutilized, best big nature experience in Memphis. We also go camping a lot in Arkansas. This takes a crazy amount of work , but our life is just kind of one crazy production anyway, so we’re used to it. My husband is from farm stock, so he is really good at this kind of thing and the payoff is huge when I see the boys in their full nakedness throwing rocks in that beautiful stream. Joe and I have far too few date nights due to lack of funds, but if I could I would take him to Las Vegas to see Cirque de Soleil’s LOVE. I went with my sisters-in-law a couple of years ago, and now I have this whole new appreciation for the vision of an adult playground. I always snubbed my nose, but if we could take a weekend that would be up there for a top pick.

favorite solo activities: I’m sorry what?

source(s) of inspiration: humanity, our playback company, Aardvarks families, and amazingly talented friends

best MakeShift moment: Harlan used to be obsessed with pretending he was driving in the parked car. Sometimes I would bring the New York Times in the car and lie down in the backseat while he drove. Sometimes I would actually just leave him in the car while I did something inside. One day I came out and he was gone, which completely freaked me out. Every worst case scenario imagineable was running through my mind. It turns out he had found his way into our neighbor’s sports car and was behind the wheel (a much fancier ride). Hilarious, but really not. You shouldn’t leave your two-year-old unattended in a parked car. Creative perhaps, but quite foolish. Good story though. I walk a fine line.

virginia invites memphians to enjoy this weekend’s playback performances:

find virginia on the web:

• music for aardvarks, memphis: http://www.memphisaardvarks.com/
• playback memphis: http://www.playbackmemphis.com/

[if you or someone you know would make a good “mother of invention,” please check out the nomination process and questionnaire located on the sidebar to your right.]

name: Tootsie Bell

age: 45

current city: Memphis, TN

living situation: I live in Memphis with my wife and partner, Jamie Russell-Bell, and our beautiful nine-month-old son, Miles.

occupation: I am an artist. I make my living predominately as a jeweler/silversmith. I have owned and operated Bell Fine Art Jewelers  for 16 years. And as of recent, I am expanding into the public art forum. I have a piece at the Memphis Brooks Museum of Art, the Memphis Botanic Gardens, and my current project is a sculpture for Legends Park across from the new Le Bonheur Children’s Hospital.

how do you structure your time and space? Ahhhh time and space…..where did you go my friends? It’s really very simple and goes sort of like this: the mornings and evenings are all about family; the time in between is all about work. I have an amazing partner and we both give all that we have to our son. But we also try to do things for each other when we can. We each have our responsibilities, but if one sees that the other is burning out and is about to short circuit, we try to step in and take up the slack and give the other a time out. On the weekends, we alternate who gets up with Miles and who gets to sleep in. And we also give each other the space to get away once a week with a friend or whatever the “me time” requires. I have found that for for both of us, the key is to take that time and make it happen. Luckily, that is getting easier and finally, so is making time for “us”.

I’m a new mother at 45, my child has two mommies, and my partner is the birth mother. These factors also influence how we structure our time and space. If others were to label my role in the family, it would be, in most peoples’ eyes, the role of the father. However, I see it nothing like that. I’m aware that I have more male traits. I am physically stronger, and I take on more traditionally male roles such as fixing the roof, digging fence post holes, climbing under the house to fix the plumbing, and watching football on Sundays. But other than these things, I am in every way a proud, doting, new mother. I have the same nurturing drive, the same emotional response, and the same instinct and bond that my partner does. These traits that come naturally to me are often the ones that male counterparts have to work hard to develop (unfair, as it is) as they struggle with what their roles are, what to do next, or where to fit in to the new scenario. I feel like I’m much more capable of being there for my son and my partner. It’s the law of nature, I guess, and I don’t completely understand it. 

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what season(s) preceded your current season? The season before this was the ME season. The last 27 years were all about me. I spent a lot of time imagining what my life could be and how I wanted to be defined as an artist. I worked hard to chasing that dream with long hours in the studio, smoking, drinking, painting, sculpting, late late nights, and very little sleep. Then it was easy.

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? My current season is the US season. My life now is about caring for what I have built and who I have become, but most of all, it’s about my family. I was 44 when Miles was born, so I’ve gotten a lot of my needs out of the way. Still, it is definitely a trade off. Having children when you are young, you have the energy it takes to go without sleep and still keep up. Having children when you are older, you don’t have that energy, but you do have the patience and the wisdom it takes to sit still and give them what they need. I spend a lot of time cultivating my home life and trying to live healthy.

Being two mommies has made things easier for Jamie and me, I feel certain. But I know that with the unconventional there are challenges. Our parenting has not been struggle-free by any means. Not being the breastfeeding mother has left me feeling on the outside at times. But for the most part, we have been able to stay more closely on the same page throughout this big life change.

I read this bit of insight somewhere and have made it my primary goal. If I can give my son these four things, then I will know I have done my job: the unselfishness to release him, the vision to encourage him, the faithfulness to pray for him, and the wisdom to be therefor him whenever and wherever that may be. God knows I am willing to do whatever. 

-what season(s) might your future hold? Whatever my next season is, I hope that it’s long and fruitful and full of good times and memories. As an older mother, worrying about whether or not I will be around long enough is a demon I have had to duel on a regular basis.

favorite family activities:  Among my favorite family activities are playing in the pool. I love watching the shear joy that come from Miles as he splashes like a crazy chimpanzee. I also really enjoy going to Music for Aardvarks. Miles loves music and dancing and banging on the drums. But I’d have to say that my absolute very favorite family activity would be family naps and that sweet giggle session that comes after waking. There really is  nothing sweeter in this life.

favorite solo activities: My favorite solo activity would have to be playing music. I played the drums for a little over a year with the band, Giant Bear. It was such a great outlet and amazing experience to be playing with such talented individuals. I miss it dearly, but juggling new motherhood and running my business just doesn’t allow me the time and commitment needed to continue.

[if you or someone you know would make a good “mother of invention,” please check out the nomination process and questionnaire located on the sidebar to your right.]

it happened again yesterday.

i left the children in my husband’s care in the middle of the afternoon, feeling grateful for the flexible nature of his job, as i made my way to my cousin’s high school graduation. if i’m totally honest, i must admit that i was also celebrating that he would get to experience what i affectionately call, “monday night madness.” this is the term i have given to the weekly fight i have with my children as i wake them from their afternoon naps, clothe them, load them into the car for music class (which they love), try to keep them from mistaking the instruments for  cuisine (the bird) and bludgeons (the monkey), extract them from post-class playground time, and arrive home to cook dinner during the “witching hour,” while we wait for daddy to return. 

though i was excited to pass these responsibilities to my husband this week, i was more thrilled with the notion that he might get to see how difficult my job is at times. i dreamed up a scenario in which i would come home to my children, who would be swarming around the couch containing their exhausted daddy. my husband would pull a rag from his shirt pocket, wipe his sweaty brow, shake his head, and say, “mary allison, i simply don’t know how you do this every week!” i would respond humbly, of course, like those citizens on television who have just saved another person’s life. “i guess i’m just in the right place at the right time,” i would say.

this, of course, was not the scene i found when i arrived at home. the laundry was finished, dinner was in the oven, the kitchen was spotless, the kids were clothed and happy, and the transition from naptime to music class had reportedly gone smoothly. my husband made me a cocktail, and i drank it, along with a sea of jealous self-doubt. how does he make my job seem so easy? clearly, he is a superhero, and i am a whiner.

don’t get me wrong. i realize that any problem where the system breakdown includes a spotless kitchen, clean clothes, and a warm supper, is a good problem to have. i also realize that my poor husband, who does such things in order to make me happy, cannot win! 

lesson learned: i cannot depend on someone else’s failures to make me feel like a success. this rule applies especially to my beloved husband, who really does make most struggles seem like a piece of cake.

[side note: music for aardvarks is a favorite activity for my children, so much so that it is worth interrupting the children’s sleep! without it, “monday night madness” would turn to “monday night pandemonium,” a level orange alert that must be avoided whenever possible.]