if the monkey were to plan a wedding, he would follow the lead of julia roberts in steel magnolias. in other words, “pink is his signature color.”

as the mom of this pink-loving fellow, i have enjoyed MANY a self-administered pats on the back for allowing the monkey to exist outside of society’s color rules for boys and girls. you should see me at the cupcake counter, for example, proudly presenting both boys with their requested pink “plain janes.” i love myself in those moments.

photo from http://liplickin.blogspot.com/

but last week while we in asheville, the pink craze got a little more complicated when i took the monkey to pick out this season’s “creek walking shoes.” from a lovely, multicolored bouquet of keen sandals, the monkey plucked these with great zeal:

he was as pleased as punch (pun intended). i, on the other hand, was faced with an unexpected choice. is it my job to protect my children from teasing, or is it my job to help them be their truest selves? i hated myself in that moment.

i texted andy the above picture along with the words, “HELP! what should i do?”

his sentiments were the same as my own. we both want to protect our children from teasing AND help them be their truest selves. meanwhile, the monkey commenced to skip around the store in the fabulous pink shoes.

i contemplated my next move and imagined the silent horror of the sweetly-smiling sales woman, observing my attempts to squelch my son’s spirit. should i explain to my four-year-old that kids are mean, and that in our more traditional town, kids are mean AND traditional? or should i just purchase the pink shoes and hope for the best?

i opted for plan C. we revisited the multicolored bouquet of keen sandals “just to check for any other colors we might like.” and lo and behold, there was another pair on the display that was calling the monkey’s name. the dark pink pair:

now this pair is much more pink in person than the above picture reveals, but i didn’t care. surely he could be his true self in these shoes AND avoid teasing. we bought the shoes, and i was off the hook.

but only temporarily. i’m convinced that time and again, i will be revisiting the questions i asked myself in the shoe store. ultimately, i believe that it’s healthy to be selective about when, where, and with whom we reveal the deepest parts of who we are. i want to teach my kids to be selective. unfortunately, nobody learns to be selective without being teased.

i’m not sure i did the right thing. i am not writing to defend my choice. i’m just saying that in parenting, everything is complicated. nothing is as simple as wanting my kids to feel the cool mountain stream washing over their hot summer feet.

a couple of months ago, when our good friend and neighbor steve passed away suddenly, andy and i dreaded telling the monkey. steve was to the monkey as mr. wilson was to dennis the menace: the object of affectionate and well-meaning pestering. (steve’s patience, however, far exceed that of mr. wilson!) 

the comings and goings of “buddy steve,” marked by the roar of a diesel engine, were more accurate and dependable measures of time for the monkey than the PBS children’s television lineup. and that’s saying a lot.

so, when i tearfully explained to the monkey that buddy steve had passed away, i braced myself for heartbreaking four-year-old despair. instead, the monkey simply said,

“okay. can i go play now?”

the heartbreaking four-year-old despair came yesterday, as the monkey was recalling how buddy steve and andy had fixed his sink eight or ten months ago. “buddy steve died,” he informed me. “but daddy’s never going to die.”

part of me wishes that i had simply lied to the monkey and affirmed his notion that his daddy will live forever. instead, i told him that nobody lives forever. then, both of us came unraveled as he applied this theory to mommy, himself, and finally to “the whole wide world.” with tears streaming down his face, he crawled into my arms and wailed,

“the whole wide world is going to die.”

then, in what i believe was actually an appropriate action of disbelief and rage, he pitched a fit which resulted in a swift headbutt to my right cheek bone.

the rest of the day and evening were marked by periodic and tearful conversations about death and the same kinds of hopeful promises i remember hearing from my mom and dad, that we are going to be around for a long, long time. i believe it’s our job to give the monkey a sense of stability. i also believe we are to ease him into the notion that the world is not all rainbows and butterflies.

the latter, in all of its various forms, just might be the most excruciating task of parenting.

hello, and welcome to my home tour. i think i’ll start by giving your a glance at my sewing room:

oh yeah, i keep forgetting that you’ve already seen my kitchen and my office. we’ve passed that point in our relationship where i can blithely lie and change the subject to cover up my shortcomings. let’s just say that while i dream of the above displayed organization, my reality looks more like this:

it’s not that i don’t have an organizational system. i do actually have shelves and scrap bins, and i even returned everything to their places right before i left for the mountains. it’s just that everything lives within reach of the monkey and the bird, who love nothing more than to float around in vast seas of fabric. the up side is that this meticulous project of dumping, gathering, and arranging occupies the kids for hours. 

i am still plugging away at the re[frame] productivity system for creative people  . my “to do”  list still resides in a cute little box of note cards, my files are still in order, and my office hasn’t been a disaster area in quite some time. clearly the sewing room project is next. i’m thinking pegboards (out of the children’s reach) securing scissors, rotary cutters, and the like. i’m thinking colorful displays of bobbins and thread, elevated just beyond the monkey’s grasp. i’m thinking off-the-floor shelving for the fabric and scraps. this is going to be huge, people.

if any of you crafty types have any tips, pictures, or inspiration to share, bring it on.

the result is going to be sew fantastic.

the nice orderly fabric picture was borrowed from thread on 6th street in tuscumbia, AL.

there are few hardships in parenting that cannot be ameliorated by a little construction paper and paint wielded by three-year-old hands. i have been waiting a long time for this: my first little hand-crafted mother’s day gift.

this, my friends, is a “book,” and inside are these hilarious bits of  (mis)percieved trivia:

in case you are having trouble reading the fine print, let me highlight the fact that the monkey thinks i weigh 22 pounds. perhaps i could ride around all day in his pocket! he is correct that my name  is mary allison, my hair is brown, my favorite colors are red and purple, and my passion for steam mopping abounds. apparently, he also correctly asserted that my favorite beverage is wine, but his teacher insisted upon jotting down water instead, which is no fun at all!  

i love my new book so much that i decided to create one right here in this blog for my own mother. mom, i’m sorry that yours does not have a fancy cover like the one the monkey made for me. actually, i think i’ll let this picture serve as the cover:

1979ish

and now for the good stuff:

• what is your mother’s name? sally, or “silly sally” to her grandchildren
• how old is she? early sixties
• how much does she weigh? 22 pounds. (you’re welcome.)
• what color is her hair? red (you’re welcome, again!)
• what does she do around the house? sew fabulous clothes for my kids
• what is her favorite thing to drink? gin and tonic
• what is her favorite thing to eat? the cuisine at tsunami. i’ve also heard her talk about how much she loves ice cream sandwiches.
• what is her favorite tv show? big love, desperate housewives, parenthood… when i was little she liked l.a. law
• what does she cook? pork tenderloin, cheese grits, broccoli, and salad
• where does she like to go? montreat, north carolina, t.j. maxx
• what is her favorite color? hmmm… not sure. green?

and here are a few more questions just for fun:

favorite tradition passed down by your mother: my mom used to sing a little made-up song to me at bedtime that her father used to sing to her mother. now my husband and i sing it to our kids.

best parenting advice your mother ever gave you: my mom told me that parenting is just one act of letting go after the next. if you do it well, she said, your children never even know you’re doing it. i never knew my mom was letting go, so she must have done it well!

silly sally, the bird, and me with our friend ruth

has your mother ever done anything that would be good fodder for an episode of “i love lucy?” why yes, she has! when i was six or seven, some friends and i took a break from playing outside to procure chocolate milk from our kitchen. my mom was there painting the shutters navy blue. somehow, she managed to drop the paint can, and the contents splashed up in her face!!! her whole face was blue. it was awesome.

happy mother’s day, mom! i love you. and happy mother’s day to all of my fellow moms. i hope your gifts are as priceless as the monkey’s musings.