about halfasecond after andy and i got married, people started asking us when we were going to have children. poor little nosy souls… they were forced to wait for six whole years for us to fit quaintly into their definition of family. there was a lightness about those years (probably the sheer absence of diaper bags and clinging children) but people sort of regarded us lightly too. i didn’t notice this, of course, until my life became full of baby love, it’s accompanying luggage, and the sudden respect i received just for having a small human being in my charge. seemingly overnight, members of our community began respecting our decisions to bow out early from a parties, to let the answering machine field our calls, and to decline “invitations” to chaperon church lock-ins. this regard for our boundaries has been a lovely, unexpected parenting perk.

for me, six years was long enough to be married without children; it felt too long, in fact. but what about those who simply choose not to become parents? my friends who have opted out of the parenting thing report that they feel left out, at best, and badgered and disrespected, at worst. 

elizabeth gilbert has recently brought this phenomenon to light in her book committed. she writes of the questions and judgements imposed upon her and others who have chosen not to have children. but she also points out that our society is actually better for having “aunties” and “(s)parents.” she writes,

“Even within my own community, I can see where I have been vital sometimes as a member of the Auntie Brigade. My job is not merely to spoil and indulge my niece and nephew (though I do take that assignment to heart) but also to be a roving auntie to the world — an ambassador auntie —who is on hand wherever help is needed, in anybody’s family whatsoever. There are people I’ve been able to help, sometimes fully supporting them for years, because I am not obliged, as a mother would be obliged, to put all my energies and resources into the full-time rearing of a child. There are a whole bunch of Little League uniforms and orthodontist’s bills and college educations that I will never have to pay for, thereby freeing up resources to spread more widely across the community. In this way, I, too, foster life. There are many, many ways to foster life. And believe me, every single one of them is essential.”

my children have several “aunties” and “(s)parents” in their lives. the glee with which the monkey and bird approach our friends, ruth, martha, hope, sarah, and phil (just to name a few) is second only to the relief i feel when someone with renewed energy and delight in toddler antics enters my front door. i hear these “aunties” and “(s)parents laugh at my kids’ jokes. i watch them join my children for an afternoon of porch swinging and story telling. i see them get down on the floor and immerse themselves in legoland and the enterprise of space-ship-building. and then, when these friends leave, i am able to see my children more for the funny little wonders that they are and less for the little tornadic wind storms that they can be.

so to all of the “aunties” and “(s)parents” of the world, i say THANK YOU. i respect your place in life, and i am thankful for it. there really are “many ways to foster life.” and to those who foster life here at our house, i am so, so grateful.

[the elizabeth gilbert quote is from https://www.babble.com/elizabeth-gilbert-committed-marriage/.]

first name: Anne

age: 44 

current city: Memphis

living situation: I live in Memphis with my husband and two daughters, who are 10 and 12. My 20-year old son is at the University of Michigan. He comes home for winter, spring and summer breaks, and I miss him like crazy the rest of the time.

occupation: Pediatric Occupational Therapist

how do you structure your time and space? Currently, I work full-time as a therapist for the school system. My husband and I share taking the girls to school in the mornings, and we’ve hired a college student to pick them up from school four days a week. I’m usually home Monday through Thursday by 4:00 or 4:30, at which point all of the homework is finished and time permitting, the dishwasher is empty and a load of laundry has been done! I love picking up the girls up on Fridays. We usually go out for ice cream or cup cakes or some sort of delicious, unhealthy snack.

The only part of home-making that I get credit for is cooking, emptying the dishwasher, gardening and pitching in on paying for the housekeeper. As long as I can work enough to help cover the bill, I’m going to keep that up! As far as recreation, I try to force myself to exercise, which I absolutely despise. I convince myself to occasionally walk or get on the elliptical by remembering that I want to be around for my children and grandchildren. My favorite recreation is to hang out with my husband and kids in the evenings, talk about our day, and maybe even have a glass wine (only the parents, not the kids!).

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? The most recent adjustment for me has been going back to work full-time. Financially, this job is making a huge difference in our ability to pay for our son’s college and save for our daughters’ future college tuition. Yet, I struggle with guilt, because I would like to be able to pick the girls up from school every day, drive on the field trips, and be more involved in the PTA, et cetera. My youngest daughter, Hanna, frequently asks, “Can you pick me up today?” or “Can you drive on this field trip?” This leaves me feeling 2-inches tall. On the positive side, my job is fun, the hours are great, and you can’t beat being off work for fall, Christmas, spring and summer breaks!

-what season(s) preceded this one? I just completed my Ph.D. in Educational Psychology, which I worked on part-time over an 8-year period. I was employed part-time as a therapist and did mommy duty. As stressful as it sounds, this was a wonderful time in my life because I made my own schedule, and even though school was stressful, I absolutely loved all my classes and learning. I also loved the challenge of fitting work and study time in between the hours of parents’ day out, preschool and eventually elementary school! The really tough part didn’t come until the last year…the dreaded dissertation. I think that part was harder on my husband that anyone else. He couldn’t stand that my head was always in a book or a computer. But those days are over now! I know he’s glad.

-what season(s) might your future hold? Currently I’m in the process of writing a parenting book. My goal is to bring in enough money from other projects such as this so that I can go back to working part-time as a therapist. Ideally, I’d like to work as an Occupational Therapist three days a week. I’m also interested in starting an educational program for young unwed mothers in the Memphis/Midsouth area that educates them on the importance of prenatal care and basic parenting techniques. Because the Memphis area has one of the highest infant mortality rates in the country, I believe that a program like this has the potential to really make a difference.

favorite family activity: What’s most important to me is spending time with my husband and children. I’d rather work during the day when my kids are in school and pay someone to take care of the housework, so that from 4:30 on (as well as weekends) I’m free to have more quality family time. We enjoy cooking, porch sitting, playing cards and board games and watching our favorite TV shows together.

favorite solo activity: I love hanging out at coffee shops, reading, sewing, pondering, painting and gardening.

sources of inspiration: books, good quotes, Fridays, friends, love.

best MakeShift moment: My youngest daughter, Hanna, has an odd obsession with injuries. Over the years, she’s feigned a variety of boo boos including sprained ankles, fingers, and the like. As a result, we have a collection of ace bandages, finger splints, and even an old pair of crutches from a foot injury that not-so-coincidentally occurred after Santa brought a toy cast and pair of crutches to her American Girl Doll.

Recently, Hanna claimed that she hurt her wrist during gymnastics. I inspected the injury site and there was no sign of redness or swelling, just her familiar dramatic cries of “ouch” when I touched it. Our wrist splint was worn out, so being the good therapist that I am, I decided to repair it. I used splinting material to touch it up and make a new support bar. As is typical, Hanna continued to complain over the following days but I was surprised when she reported to be in too much pain for her next gymnastics class. We headed straight to an orthopedic doctor, who subsequently informed us that she had a small fracture on the growth plate in her wrist!

As I was sitting there feeling like a totally horrible mother, he told us that she would need to wear a cast for at least 4 weeks. Then he picked up the makeshift splint that she’d been wearing, looked it over carefully, cocked an eyebrow and asked, “Hanna, have you been wearing this since you hurt your wrist?” She nodded and informed him that the splint was broken, and her mom had fixed it. I sunk a little in my seat. The doctor smiled and said, “I like this splint. I like the support. Hanna, I’ll give you one week’s credit for wearing this. You only have to wear the cast for three weeks.” Then he winked at me. I couldn’t believe it. Did he really believe that the splint had given her wrist enough support? His saying so sure made me feel better…that along with the fact that an incredibly cute, young doctor had winked at me!

if you or someone you know would make a good “mothers of invention” feature, check out the sidebar to your right for pages about the nomination process.

[to get the mothers of invention ball rolling, i’ll be the guinea pig…]

first name: mary allison

age: 33 

current city: memphis, tn

living situation: i live in a house in the heart of the city with my husband, two little boys (ages 12 months and 3 years), and a dog.

occupation: presbyterian (u.s.a.) minister

how do you structure your time and space? i lead a study group once a week at one church and once a month at another. i also preach once a month. i prepare for all of these things in 15-minute increments while my children are napping and/or writing on the walls. this kind of ministry job is rare because it allows me to do the elements of the vocation that i love and also spend most of my time at home.

i don’t really have a schedule for taking care of household chores but i cook, grocery shop, do laundry, and sew in little snatches of time that emerge here and there. my standards for cleanliness are very low. i trade a messy house for more time to spend working and playing with my kids.

my husband and i get a sitter for one night of every weekend so we can have a dinner to ourselves, and my mom keeps my kids one day each week. the weekly “day off” allows me to lead a study group that morning and have that afternoon to myself. my husband is on kid duty on sunday mornings when i am preaching. my oldest is in school three mornings a week, and occasionally, i’ll hire a college student to care for my kids for a few hours during the week so I can exercise, catch up on writing, and do other career-related things.

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? working part-time and from home really gives me the face time i want to have with my kids. i also like that i can take advantage of unexpected windows of free time to write sermons and prepare for study groups. however, this kind of flexibility comes with a significant pay cut and very little professional recognition. sometimes i long for the kind of positive regard from the community that my husband receives as a traditional full time employee and businessman. when i’m at my worst, i spend a lot of time multi-tasking. i am at my best when i draw good boundaries and emphasize quality over quantity in terms of things that do not involve my children. the satisfaction from this season comes in experiencing the world through the eyes of small children, working with a boss who understands the demands of motherhood, planting sunflower seeds with my sons, et cetera.

-what season(s) preceded this one? before i became a part-time minister and full time mother, i was the full-time minister to students at a small liberal arts college. i loved this job, and i miss it very much.

-what season(s) might your future hold? perhaps, when my children get a little older, i will take more time to write, travel, or finish the license requirements to be a marriage and family therapist. i hope the next seasons surprise me though. i love life’s unpredictable good fortune!

favorite family activity: riding the trolley in downtown memphis. it costs our whole family a total of $2, the kids are contained and full of glee, and there are plenty of opportunities to stop, eat, and observe along the way.

favorite solo activity: yoga, jogging, hiking, quilting

sources of inspiration: people who are authentic, creative, and loving; gee’s bend quilters;  my kiddos

best MakeShift moment: i used to take my newborn with me to visit parishioners who were ill or unable to leave their homes. i quickly learned that his presence was much more healing to folks than my own! i have also sacrificed many rolls of toilet paper for the sake of my children’s entertainment while i am sermon-writing.

find mary allison at www.themsrevolution.com

the first two photographs in this post were taken by carol curry reach.