name: Lane

age: 36

current city: Memphis

living situation: I live with my husband of 13 years, Brian, our eight-year-old daughter Sophie, and our five-year-old son, Whit.

occupation: I am a Registered Nurse, working full-time at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, where I’ve worked since I completed nursing school 11 years ago. I got my foot in the door on the night shift but took a nine to five outpatient position around the time we wanted to start a family. My current job is in clinical research, which is not very nurse-y, but it is immensely challenging and intellectually satisfying. I assist the MD researchers in collecting, organizing, and analyzing data to answer the questions posed to improve clinical outcomes for our patients and beyond.

how do you structure your time and space? I would call our work-family life “modern traditional.” Our babies were in full-time workweek daycare from four months of age and now have transitioned to school life with full-time on-campus aftercare. Our children have had wonderful caregivers both in daycare and in aftercare, and we are so thankful that we have rarely had to question those choices. We also have very willing, loving, and helpful family in town, and have been blessed again with supervisors and coworkers along the journey who are flexible and understanding when a family’s little hiccups occur. Thankfully, the hiccups have been small and well timed. What good fortune we have had!

We divide pretty much every household task in our family 50/50. Bedtimes and dinner clean-up are alternating nights, hubs does carpool drop-off in the morning and I do afternoon pickup, et cetera. Other tasks are 50/50 in that I never do trash duty, laundry folding, or bug squashing (to name a few things), and he rarely has the weekly grocery job or bill minding. There are some chores that come down to the good old fashioned “Mexican stand off” – how long can one tolerate the dog fur tumbleweeds or ignore clean dishes waiting in the washer before one of us just caves. As they’ve become old enough, our children have inherited some tasks such as setting the table and putting folded clothes in their drawers. The hope is that as they grow, they will help more and more with their share.

There is a lot that just doesn’t get done in a timely manner, or at all!
 
Weekends are packed with errands, play dates, and general “getting-it-done;” I have lists of my lists and delight in crossing things off. I have admitted numerous times that I go to work to relax. We are also experts on anything and everything that can be accomplished/purchased online (and we are ready to support a local internet grocery service, hint hint!!). I think we also do a pretty good job of making sure we each have some time to spend however we choose, no questions asked.
 
When the kids were very small, we thought daily life was pretty hectic (and it was) but school-age has brought a new challenges and adjustments to our well oiled machine (did I mention I was type A?). Strict baby schedules have now relaxed to accommodate swim meets or ill-timed birthday parties, and more and more often we find ourselves splitting the kids and the errands/social opportunities down the middle. We have to juggle changes on the fly more often these days. Fortunately, we manage to have dinner as a family four or five times a week (frozen pizza definitely counts!), a habit that I hope we will be able to maintain as our kids wander farther from our nest. We have a pretty lengthy bedtime routine that strengthens our parent-child connections. Early bedtimes for the kids, and late ones for us allow my husband and me to have some quiet time that often takes the form of multi-tasking in front of favorite TV shows. Growing children also means that we can get out more easily or gather with similarly situated friends and lock ourselves (with the wine) in the dining room while the kids wreak havoc and stay up too late.

Each stage has definitely had its pros and cons.  

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? I’ve often felt as if I am a woman transported in time from the Forties or Fifties. I have a vocation that has been historically held by women, and with my love of sewing, baking, and other domestic arts, I wonder if I’m channeling June Cleaver.

 I was raised in an intact traditional home with lots of love and plenty of advantages. (In fact, I recently moved across the street from my parents who still live in my childhood home.) Many of my childhood experiences are being shared almost verbatim with my children (choice of school, church, home, and some human values). I struggle with how to blend the “wholesomey goodness” I knew from childhood with the hard realities of this modern life and the opinions I have developed through study, experience, or happenstance. I am so thankful for the childhood I have known and the family who gave it to me. So why don’t I want to duplicate it completely for my family now that I am a parent? How do I construct a new iteration of family without following the pattern I know? How can I keep my favorite parts without passing judgement on the outdated, abandoned ways?
 
Thankfully I have some great role models around me, but largely I feel out of place in most circles because there’s just enough that is different about my situation that it seems like I’m always asking for exceptions or favors. Could we meet after six o’clock? Can’t we do this by phone instead of in person? May I take a two-hour lunch to “run” home and participate in my child’s class party? Will you have childcare available for this event? I know this is not unique, but in my mind, I always seem to be the one needing something more. I’m getting used to it, and some of these problems are getting easier because other parents with similar conflicts have opened the doors ahead of me, but I think about it a lot.
 
I feel like we have now reached the height of our summer season. Since shedding diapers, sippycups, naps, and the extra luggage that holds them, I feel like a kid who has stashed her school bag in the closet for a nice, long break. Our children are fun, expressive, imaginative, but still agreeable, easily entertained, and most importantly, they still enjoy being around us.

-what season(s) preceded this one? Early motherhood was a long, hard winter for me. Although we joyously anticipated the arrival of our first child, it took me over a year to completely submit to motherhood and the undeniable changes that accompanied it. I realize now that I much prefer my babies talking and self-feeding, thankyouverymuch, and that the post-partum period can last a very long time. Again, work was a refuge for me during this challenging time. I could come home from work and look forward to the time I had with my small children, knowing that I also had time in an adult world. I always knew my personality was not suited for staying home, even though working full time is not easy. Either way, it’s exhausting! Our strictly-defined schedules were simultaneously confining and comforting.

-what season(s) might your future hold? My daughter is approaching the pre-teen/tween stage all too fast. I don’t even want to start thinking about that season. Summer forever! 

favorite family activities: Wii games, board games, crafting, playing outside

favorite solo activities: creative arts of all types, especially sewing and paper crafting; baking when there’s time

source(s) of inspiration: I am constantly stealing ideas for crafts from any source (friends, etsy, lowe’s circular, and boutique clothing catalogs). I suffer from the delusion that I could replicate most beautiful things if I had enough time and money, and the proper tools. Never mind that it’s plagiarism or just not worth the trouble; I just love a creative challenge. 

best MakeShift moment: One day at work I found that I had forgotten to include the very important collection bottles that hook to the breast pump (regarding breastfeeding: I have never been so proud of myself for keeping it up for over six months with each baby, and also so thrilled to quit!). Knowing I couldn’t make it all day without pumping, I snagged some urine specimen cups from the supply cart, rigged them up to the pump, and stayed on schedule. They are sterile, after all! 
 
The first summer after our daughter was potty trained, we worried how this progress would affect the ten-hour drive to and from the beach for our family vacation. (Would we stop every 30 minutes versus every couple of hours?) That year, we packed the plastic training potty in the back and were glad to have it ! Several times, including on an exit ramp in Birmingham just blocks from several gas stations, we pulled out that potty and sat her on it, proud as we could be that Sophie had avoided an “accident”! I can’t imagine trying to help a newly-trained girl “go tee-tee” without giving her a place to sit.

[if you or someone you know would make a good “mother of invention,” please check out the nomination process and questionnaire located on the sidebar to your right.]

name: Maria Bergius Krämer

age: 35

current city: Malmö, Sweden

living situation: I am married with one child, a daughter born in October of 2003.

occupation: Priest in the Church of Sweden

how do you structure your time and space? Both my husband and I work full time, but since my husband is a teacher, his days are shorter and less weird than mine are. I usually take our daughter to school, and he picks her up. In general, he is the primary parent. He is gone way less than I am, has shorter days (almost no evening work) and does not work on the weekends.

Our daughter also is enrolled in the after school program, since school ends at 1:00 p.m. She is picked up at 4:00. Sweden subsidizes this heavily. During her life we have never had to pay more than 150 dollars a month for daycare or kindergarten.

We have always been careful to give each other “own-time”. We see a lot of friends and do things together, but also make sure that both of us spend time on things we enjoy on our own. For example: I am off on Fridays, and even though the personnel at the daycare clearly state that when a parent is off, the child should be too, I have always claimed that time as reading/studying time, and let her be at the daycare center that day. On these days, I tend to pick her up a little earlier, but still. She is happy with her friends, and I get my space.

Since our daughter was four months old, we have always made sure that she is okay with being looked after by others, as long as the evening routine is observed. This has given us opportunities to go out to see movies, et cetera.

Regarding our space, we live in a small apartment right in the center of the city in a bohemian, multi-cultural neighborhood. We moved here when our daughter was four. It was a deliberate choice. Before, we lived in a big suburban semi-attached house with a garden. For many, that must be the ideal place to bring a child up, but not for us. We disliked the commute, which forced us to buy a car; we disliked being away from friends; and most of all, we disliked living somewhere where our child would only encounter one kind of people – semi-affluent ethnic Swedes. So we moved, and living here we are so close to everything that we do not need the car anymore. Our daughter sees different ethnicities every day, plays with friends from Lebanon and Bosnia, and we have a 24-hour pharmacy right around the corner. We had to throw away lots and lots of things to fit into our three-room apartment, but it works, and we are happy here.

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? This was a tricky one. Our daughter is becoming quite independent. They say that six-and-a-half-year-olds are mini teens, and that is very true. She argues with us, and rolls her eyes and stomps away, but at the same time, she is super inquisitive, helpful, and sweet. I would say I am still in the spring of motherhood. There are new things to be discovered every day, new growth and development. We do creative things, bike all over town, shop, and laugh a lot.

But to be sure, challenges abound too. I think I, along with most mothers, carry a lot of guilt for not spending enough time with our children. And yet, there has to be balance. There are mothers who find fulfilment in spending all of their waking hours (and some of the sleeping ones too) with their children, but I am not like that. And she is not like that either. It is difficult finding your own way when it clashes with many expectations and ideas about what is right. 

-what season(s) preceded this one? We have led a harmonious and peaceful life for quite some time. We found our places and roles after a period of winter, the long and difficult first three months of our daughter’s life. It was difficult getting used to being parents, and she was always ill. Never seriously, just constantly sniffling and coughing and unhappy. But it all changed. Provocatively enough for some, it changed when we stopped breast feeding and taught little baby to sleep through the night in her own bed. I know this is not for everyone, but it saved us.

-what season(s) might your future hold? I look forward to a lot of things. There will be stormy times and peaceful times. Our daughter will alienate herself and hopefully come back. It is all meant to be. I hope there will be a summer, a beautiful season when growth is not as explosive and turbulent as during spring, when there is time for conversation and relaxation and sipping lemonade in the shade. When she is old enough to enjoy being with us just because it is us, not because she has to.

And yes, I look forward to the autumn of motherhood too. Sometimes my daughter claims that she does not want children, and I hope she changes her mind. Whomever she meets in the future, I hope that person will love her as much as I do and give her security and fun and adventure and tenderness.

favorite family activities: We do a lot of creative things together. One day we build a tee pee for our daughter’s barbie dolls. another day, she and I make bead necklaces. The next day she wants our help with the bow and arrow she is making, and we often go to a couple of friends’ houses to play and have dinner. We live a very social life with friends visiting often. We play board games and go to the park.

favorite solo activities: When I am alone, I leave the house to walk the city. I go in and out of stores, gathering inspiration more than shopping, and I sit at cafés and watch people. At night, I am usually found in front of the computer, chatting with friends and reading blogs. Or my husband and I sit in our corners on the couch and read books, every now and then sharing something interesting, while drinking tea.

source(s) of inspiration: I draw inspiration for motherhood from friends, my mother, and the Swedish controversial mothering guru Anna Wahlgren. She is very outspoken, and sometimes I cringe when I read her books, but in many ways we have found that her advice has been sound and helpful.

best MakeShift moment: Sometimes, being a priest puts a lot of strain on families like mine that come from non-churchy backgrounds. It is difficult for our families to understand why I have to work each Christmas and Easter. We, too, want to spend that time together as much as possible, which has caused some interesting solutions to be worked out. One year, when I had enlisted my husband to be a reader in the Christmas midnight mass, we had our daughter sleeping in the vestry (priestly wardrobe). The year after, during the Easter vigil, she slept while we carried her from home, to my office, to the church and all through the vigil (where the organ played at it’s loudest and bells were ringing), and from the service to the Easter party afterwards. She was still asleep when we put her to bed at two in the morning, and had no recollection of it at all the day after. The things poor pastors’ kids are put through! *smiles*

find maria on the web:

• priest girl: http://prastflickan.blogspot.com/
• priest girls’ sermons and stories: http://prastflickealster.blogspot.com/
• clergy chicks traveling blog: http://clergychicksatraveling.blogspot.com/

[if you or someone you know would make a good “mother of invention,” please check out the nomination process and questionnaire located on the sidebar to your right.]

first name: Sarah

age: 33 

current city: Tampa

living situation: Husband and son, age two. We live in an older house close to downtown.

occupation: Marketing director for a Fortune 100 insurance company

how do you structure your time and space? I have a traditional corporate job where I’m required to be at my office from about 8:30-5:00, five days a week. However, I don’t have a Blackberry or a laptop for security reasons, so I really do leave it all at the office. My son goes to a wonderful daycare, and he adores his teachers and his friends there.

My home-making philosophy in a nutshell: outsourcing. I have a house cleaner and I use a meal preparation service where I go to a commercial kitchen and prepare a month’s worth of dinners to freeze. My house is far cleaner and we eat much better (for the same price) than when we did all this ourselves! This way, I can spend the time I do have with my son in the mornings and evenings focusing on him, not cooking dinner or picking up the house.

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? My current season is winter, because in winter we draw closer to our families, huddle together to enjoy each others’ warmth, and eliminate unnecessary things from our lives in order to conserve energy. It’s a great metaphor for my life right now because I’m constantly choosing family over other interests. It’s hard to resist the temptation to pack things into my life, but I am a better mother when I am focused and not worn out by too many outside demands.

-what season(s) preceded this one? Summer, because I had a job that involved more “playtime” (marketing for a nonprofit) but also required really long days and weekends at the expense of my family.

-what season(s) might your future hold? Right now we’re in a little bit of a holding pattern. Once our future plans are clearer, I think it will feel like fall, when you get that “back to school” feeling, plan out your activities, get into a new routine, and meet new people.

favorite family activity: Our neighborhood has quiet streets and wonderful parks with playgrounds, so we load up the jogging stroller and take a family walk to the playground. It’s free, we get some exercise, and we always meet a new friend.

favorite solo activity: If I bolt out the door the second my son’s head hits the pillow at night, I can make it to a 7:30 hot yoga class and he never even knows I’m gone.

sources of inspiration: Myself, five years ago! I went on the record in a very public way (letter to the editor of the New York Times) about my commitment to sharing the responsibility of supporting my family so that my husband could pursue his career dreams and be an involved parent to our children. Right after the letter was published, my husband supported me when I quit a great corporate job to do something I’d always wanted to do—marketing for a nonprofit that served families and children. Then, last fall, he took a long-awaited opportunity to shift from a well-paid advertising agency leadership position into full time teaching at the college level, and I was able to go back to a corporate marketing job to bring in more income. I was so proud that I could help make his dream a reality, and his job will get even more flexible and family-friendly as time goes on.

 Don’t get me wrong. It has been so hard to “walk the walk”, but in the end it’s worked out like I hoped. And when I get overwhelmed or think that I am a horrible mother for having a full-time job outside the home, I remember how proud I was of my mother for helping to support our family financially, and that I always felt close to her even though there were other people who took care of me during the day. Plus, what two-year-old doesn’t LOVE having daddy around more often!

best MakeShift moment: Recently we got a massive heating bill, so I bought a programmable thermostat. Of course, I wanted to install it right away, but I had to cut off the power so I didn’t electrocute myself while I connected the wiring, and it was hard to see in the dark hallway with the lights off. So I had my son hold the flashlight, and my husband hold my son, so that I could see to install the thermostat on the wall. It was an instant family bonding moment, and I got a big “to-do” done too. Now, my son even “helps” alongside me with his little pretend tools while I do all sorts of household projects. He thinks we’re playing together!

stay tuned for tomorrow’s post: sarah’s new york times letter to the editor.