elizabeth agonized over her decision to return to full-time work in 2010 as a certified financial planner. she feared that her children would not transition well to aftercare, and she was right. seven-year-old A confessed that she “has never felt so lonely in her entire life.” W, age-five, regressed and started wetting his pants at school every day. “we were all grief-stricken,” elizabeth laments.

in her book perfect madness, judith warner describes the silences that fell in her interview groups with mothers because,

“there are things that are sayable and unsayable about motherhood today. it is permissible, for example, to talk a lot about guilt, but not a lot about ambition.” there is an underlying assumption that we “cannot really challenge the american culture of rugged individualism… we lack the most basic notions now of what a different kind of culture might look or feel like” (31-32).

elizabeth broke the silence and confided both her guilt and her ambition to her dear friend angela, a teacher by trade, who was working part-time in addition to the full-time responsibilities of raising her two nine-year-old boys. together, the two hatched a plan that does challenge the american culture of rugged individualism. elizabeth withdrew A and W from aftercare, and angela quit her part-time job to integrate A and W into her family’s weekday life.  

 elizabeth admits that she did not put much stock in the initial chatter about such an arrangement. “how would this mother of two be able to go to three different schools every afternoon, much less herd this group of four children?” she questioned. “i knew i could never do it myself.”

but in december, angela made it clear that she was serious about the idea of caring for A and W. she approached elizabeth with a proposal, and the two talked candidly about fair compensation, day-to-day details, and looming fears. 

“i will always remember sitting in [angela’s] kitchen making this agreement, and the enormous feeling of relief that washed over me,” says elizabeth. “i started to cry; i was so grateful. when angela responded that ‘we are helping each other,’ that really resonated with me. we’ve been helping each other ever since.”

angela describes the process as an easy decision, informed, in part, by her own experience of returning to full-time work when her boys were five years old. “it was tough on them. they would cry and pitch fits whenever they had to go to aftercare. elizabeth’s situation struck a familiar chord,” she explains. “her family was in need, and i was in a position that allowed me to help her. i am very comfortable looking after children!”

on a typical day, angela fetches A from school at 2:45, drives eight to twelve minutes to pick up her boys, S and L from school, and finally makes her way to a third school to pick up W. once her honda accord is packed to the gills, the entourage returns to elizabeth’s house, and the older kids finish their homework. angela uses this time to practice numbers, letters, sounds with W. she even unloads the dishes if they’re clean! all of the children have after-school activities that vary throughout the year. A currently plays soccer soccer on wednesdays and S has basketball on mondays and wednesdays. for a change of scenery, the group gathers at angela’s house on friday afternoons, snow days, holidays, and other vacation days during the school year.

“the kids get along pretty well,” angela muses. “they are like typical brothers and sister. not every day is perfect, but it’s always an adventure! A and L play very well together. W really looks up to S, and S takes being a big-brother-type seriously. he is always talking about W, and he even taught him how to shoot a basketball and jump rope.”

both angela and elizabeth credit the the success  of their arrangement to continued flexibility and open conversation. they have tweaked the details of their partnership as needed. angela recommends this kind of innovation only in cases where “both moms communicate openly and go with the flow. nothing is ever the same twice with this many kids in the mix. everyone is growing and evolving, and i think it’s important to keep this in mind.”

both moms describe the entire collaboration as a MakeShift moment. from impromptu rainy day walks that combat cabin fever, to the occasional depositing of children at elizabeth’s office, the little crew of six is making it all up as they go. 

on collaberative mothering, perhaps elizabeth says it best:

whenever i watch a show on lions or elephants or primates, i get sad.  i see how other creatures nurture their young together. other creatures have not forgotten that it takes a village, a pride, a pod or a pack, to raise young. yet in our “modern” society, we have alienated mothers from each other, and mothering has become quite an isolating experience. having this relationship with angela makes me feel like we, as mothers, are helping each other, the way god intended.  it is such a blessing to me.

i grew up among packs of children on a quiet little street in the heart of town. the lives of my brother and me were filled with driveway basketball games, tree-climbing, lightning-bug-catching, lemonade stands, and the like. but there were several families in particular who really shaped the days of my youth and the lives of my mom and dad as young parents: the L family, the C family, and the B family surrounded us on three sides.

the L, C, and B children were pretty close in age to my brother and me, and while we were busy getting along famously, our parents were constantly helping each other out. our moms took turns picking us up from school and keeping each other’s children during impromptu errands made easier without kids in tow. there were no scheduled play dates or activities. our parents simply let us loose to waltz through each other’s back doors and live out our days covered in sweat, mosquito bites, and melted popsicle juice.

ours are the only kids who play outside in our current neighborhood, apart from our next-door-neighbor’s granddaughter, who visits occasionally and much to our delight. those who live close to our family are simply in different stages of life than we are but their roles in our existance are still essential. at some point while i was discussing the particularities of perennials, bulbs, and shrubs with our friends next door, i knew i could call on them to gather our mail when we’re out of town and even watch the bird in a pinch while i fetch the monkey from school. in turn, i water their bushes and cover them in baked goods.

there is a certain peace of mind that comes with knowing that there are families around who are ready and willing to lend me an egg, eat my leftovers, venture outside for impromptu conversation, and be available in case of emergency. parenting is just easier when you have good neighbors. i’m full of gratitutude for mine!

[the pictures above are from my childhood and serve as payback for all those times my neighbors beat me in basketball, kicked over my bike, and cheated in flashlight tag.]

[don’t forget to enter the “the billboard bag,” giveaway on saturday’s post… now, meet erin!]

first name: Erin Condren

age: 40! Yes, 40!

current city: I live in Hermosa Beach, CA and work in El Segundo (15 minute commute).

living situation: I live with my husband, Hilary (yes, he is a man), and twin children, Kate and Finn, who will be nine on July 24th.

occupation: Business owner of erincondren.com, which offers personalized planners, address labels, stationary, et cetera; Graphic designer, creative director, and marketing maniac!

how do you structure your time and space? I started my business from home and worked every minute the kids napped and slept at night. Long nights and pots of coffee brewed at 7:30 p.m. kept me fueled until my cut off at midnight. I would then go every night at midnight to Kinkos to get my printed sheets cut down to note cards. Crazy! My husband was extremely supportive, knowing we needed two incomes to live where we do. When the babies turned a year old, I hired part-time help and shared a nanny with a friend. Carmen came twodays a week and I would work nonstop from home while she went to the park with the kids, helped with laundry when they napped, et cetera.

As my business grew, so did hours with Carmen. Eventually, I merged with a larger fine art printing business 15-20 minutes from my home, and Carmen was with us full time. We were definitely a “mommy team!” Now that my kids are in school until 3:00, I share her time with my brother’s family who lives just a block away. How lucky am I?

The balance of going back to work “full time” with kids was really tough at first. I still sometimes have a guilty pang when I see all the activities and events that we just can’t get to. On the other hand, my children are so well-adjusted and very proud of what I do. I never hear them complain. Instead, they “brag” about mommy’s office, et cetera. et cetera. Since I do own my own business, I can steal away for school plays, teacher conferences and such. I dedicate one hour every two weeks in their classroom at school. They love that! My kids are in the same class, which might go against some twin parenting “rules,” but it has made life much easier for all of us for now. At some point they might request to be in separate classes, but for now it works beautifully for all of us.

I feel like my children are very active in extra-curricular activities, but nowhere near as much as many kids. I just can’t get them all around town in the middle of the day. I’m okay with that now and have a great group of friends and family close by that can help carpool when needed. I take six kids to school every morning since I leave for the office at the same time. I love our morning commute together! Five boys and my daughter are quite entertaining as we crank up Michael Jackson tunes and play “I Spy” and “Sweet and Sour” each morning on the way to school. I sure will miss these days. Next year we will be walking distance from our school, and the kiddos will all walk together.

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? This season is SPRING! As the sun stays out longer, our family can play catch in the front yard after work and go on bike rides to dinner (with jackets!). This is my slow time at work, so I take this time to enjoy vacations with family. For spring break, we are staying in town, but going to local spots with the kids instead: Griffith Observatory, La Brea Tar Pits and more. Can’t wait.

-What season(s) preceded this one? WINTER.  My busiest time of year is the fourth quarter, which includes calendar season, Christmas cards, and more. The hours are long, and often extend to the weekends. It is hard on me to be away from my family so much, but my husband and I tag-team and have worked through it enough to make it all work. It is never easy though, and I must admit that I sometimes dread that time of year!

-What season(s) might your future hold? SUMMER. My company is on fire with new HOT ideas, and I can’t wait for longer days and more energy to make things happen. We will soon heat our pool, which means nightly swims after work with my kids — my favorite thing to do!

80’s day at Erin’s office

favorite family activities: We love to ride bikes along the beach and stop for Mexican food on the pier (which includes margaritas for mommy!). We also LOVE to tent camp!!! Yes, real tent camping…well, Condren style. My husband is an incredible cook and brings all his commercial equipment, even a deep fryer for tempura shrimp! We don’t have the typical hot dogs and chips at our camp; it’s all about the food and fun! We recently took an RV trip and decided we prefer tent camping in many ways.

Having two eightyear olds is such a joy. Life is so simple these days. The early years are all such a blur.  We just struggled and juggled to get througheach day with newborn premies. This makes us appreciate the carefree life we lead with our “grown up” kids now!

favorite solo activities: Boy, this is a tough one. I really don’t have time (nor do I make time) for much “solo” activity. My  mom tells me I never liked to be alone as a child, and I guess that still stands. I would  like to say that I read, but I really don’t make time for that either. Someday I would love to be in a book club or just pour through novels and best sellers. For now, my favorite “alone” time is spent shopping on the web. I do love shopping online and waiting for the boxes to arrive. It feels like Christmas each time, like I didn’t really spend the money — Santa did! 

sources of inspiration: I love to read home décor magazines. My favorite is an English publication called, Living, etc.  Seeing new color trends, fabrics, furniture and art always inspires me at home and in my career. I am very “trendy” and don’t spend a lot of money on my interiors at home. With small kids and a packed social calendar at “Club Condren,” it’s not worth the investment. Thumbing through the pages gives me great ideas to inexpensively update my home with an accent wall or new area rug. The trends I see in magazines are creative boosts that inspire new designs on my website too! 

best MakeShift moment: My mom taught me the trick of letting the babies play with pots and pans while attempting to cook a meal. It used to drive my husband nuts because it was so loud as they clanked lids and slammed pots on the floor (not good on wood, but who cared at that point?). At least it gave me about tenminutes to tear open a Trader Joe’s bag and call it dinner!

find erin on the web at 

• www.erincondren.com
• www.erincondren.com/blog

follow on twitter: erincondren

follow on facebook: erincondren.com

first name: Elizabeth

age: 45

current city:  Memphis

living situation: I live with my husband, son who is 16, and daughter who is 13. I am lucky to live in the same town as my mother and my brothers and their families.

occupation: Mother/Part-time lawyer

how do you structure your time and space? I was a full-time lawyer before I had my children.  I was fortunate to be able to stay home with them for about ten years. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything. I had an opportunity to go back to my firm about five years ago, and they let me be part-time. The timing was right for me and I am glad to have the adult interaction, a little income, and the sense of pride that comes with doing the job well.

I don’t think part-time allows one to “have it all”. I took myself off any partnership track, I make less than one might expect, and I have to deal with people who make snide comments when I leave at 2:30 to go to carpool line. However, I do have some income, I have the satisfaction of knowing my input helps and makes a difference at the office, I have a sense of pride in having the job I do. Everyone knows that my children and my family are my top priorities and the job only works for me as long as it works for my family.

The biggest thing for me is learning to say “no” and not feel guilty.  I am better at the first but still struggling with the second.

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? I think I am in the season of contentment right now. My children are both in good places right now and are happy and settled in school. They are fairly independent, but still share with my husband and me. My husband and I are best friends and enjoy having more time together. I have a job that allows me flexibility. I am thankful for facebook and text messaging to be in touch with friends.

-what season(s) preceded this one? The season of uncertainty.  I had decisions about what schools my kids would attend, whether I would go back to work, how would I make some type of activity for me fit in with the focus on motherhood I want. 

-what season(s) might your future hold? The season of wonder. I wonder where my kids will go to college, what they will do and whom they will love. I wonder how my mother will manage without the love of her life. I wonder what my husband and I will do with an empty nest. I wonder if I will want to work more—I doubt that.

favorite family activities: Going to dinner, going to the lake, just being together. 

favorite solo activities: Reading, knitting or smocking, playing on the computer.

sources of inspiration: My parents, my husband and my kids.

best MakeShift moment: The best makeshift moments for me are when friends and I collaborate to shuffle our respective children (who are also friends) to their various and conflicting activities so that we don’t have to be two places at once.

I also think that cell phones have transformed motherhood.  I used to sit in carpool line and use that time to talk to friends without feeling like I needed to be playing with a child, cooking dinner, or doing laundry. It was time that worked for phone calls.

if you or someone you know would make a good “mothers of invention” feature, check out the sidebar to your right for pages about the nomination process.