lately, i’ve been reading geneen roth’s women, food, and god, a book i passed over the first four times it called out to me from the best-seller rack at target. the book is a spiritual approach to disordered relationships with food, exercise, and the body, disordered relationships that used to be landmarks in my own internal terrain. in light of new found and much appreciated health in these areas, i was hesitant to read about what women do to mask, override, indulge, project, and protect our hungers. it’s better just to celebrate that the real struggle is behind me, i thought. it’s better not ask too many questions.

roth describes addictions to food, thinness, exercise, et cetera as coping mechanisms for more existential struggles and longings. in order to avoid “trusting our less tangible hungers (for rest, contact, meaning),” which are often surprising “doorways into a blazing inner universe,” women often use food, rigid discipline, dieting, and the like to transform our existential angst into something more manageable (14, 15). and there are secondary gains that come when we buy into the widespread weight loss industry. this industry has given women a language to speak about our shortcomings. it has given us the illusion that we can control our fates. it has given us company in our loneliness. but as roth points out, it also traps us in the cycle of losing and gaining the same 18 pounds, 30 different times, over a lifespan of about 80 years.

in my reading of women, food, and god, i have recognized myself in what roth describes as “creating a secondary problem when the original problem becomes too uncomfortable” (52). it has occurred to me that a good bit of the energy i used to exert over body image issues is currently channelled into another common secondary problem: finding that ever-elusive balance between love and work. perhaps the real struggle is not behind me after all. perhaps it has merely changed forms.

though i swore off dieting many years ago, i am enjoying similar secondary gains in the quest for balance. once again, i have a language for articulating my grief, a notion that i can control my fate by making the right choices, and a community of other women who are trying along with me to restore equilibrium to our lives. and it strikes me that this quest might also trap me in a similar cycle of losing and gaining my balance 30 plus times for a lifespan of about 80 years (or at least until my children are launched).

i’m now asking myself what deeper hungers are masked by the ever-popular quest for balance. have i internalized systemic ills and personalized the great imbalances around me? are my feverish engagements with the working world merely escape attempts from a basic loneliness that could be a “doorway to a blazing universe?” is my decision to spend most of my time at home a way of taking myself out of a game i fear i’d lose?

i don’t know the answers to these questions but i think they are worth pondering. it seems entirely possible that fullness is achieved by embracing our hungers.

[source for this post is located on the bibliography page in the sidebar to your right.]

name: MaryAnn

age: 38

current city: Springfield, VA (suburb of Washington DC)

living situation: I live with my husband Robert and my “blessed trinity” of children: Caroline (age seven), Margaret (almost five) and James (almost three). We have two geriatric cats, Maya and Willy, who’ve been with Robert and me since the beginning of our marriage 16 years ago.

Our neighborhood is classic suburbia in many ways—July 4 block parties and neighborhood yard sales. But it’s also wonderfully diverse. We see women wearing hijab pushing their kids in strollers in our neighborhood, and there are more than 100 languages spoken here in Fairfax County.

occupation: I am pastor of Idylwood Presbyterian Church, Falls Church, VA, and a writer. I just finished a three-year stint as a monthly columnist for Presbyterians Today, our denomination’s magazine, and am one of the founders of Fidelia’s Sisters, an e-zine which is by and for young clergy women. I’ve written for secular publications too; I even had a short piece published in the Washington Post Style section a few years back! And I am working on two book projects, although it fills me with anxiety to say that out loud, because I’m not sure whether they’ll ever get done.

how do you structure your time and space? I work part-time for Idylwood, which is a small congregation. When I tell this to fellow pastors, they usually look at me knowingly and say, “Oh come on, there’s no such thing as part-time ministry, right? You just get paid part-time for full-time work.” I am on a mission to prove them wrong! This is my second call at part-time status. I started out full-time as an associate pastor of a large church seven years ago, and when James was born I asked to move to half-time. The congregation was gracious to make the change. Now I work 2/3 time.

It’s a constant struggle to find the balance. I’ve had to make peace with being the “good-enough mother” and the “good-enough pastor.” But most days, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love the work I do, preaching, teaching and caring for this quirky congregation. Yet my schedule is flexible enough to take Margaret to “tap and tutu” class at the rec center and lead Caroline’s Brownie meeting from time to time. I work shortened days, which allows me to exercise in the mornings and still be homeafter the bus drop off in the afternoon. I work a lot of evenings too.

I have an office at the church, but I do a lot of work in my home office. It’s located in our dining room, which we converted into a creative space/study several months ago. In fact, I named my blog “The Blue Room” in honor of this room. You can read more about it here.

Our childcare situation is a dream come true. A neighbor who used to teach preschool began a daycare in her basement when her own daughter was born. She follows a curriculum but it’s more relaxed with the feeling of being at home. She’s half a block away, which makes mornings and evenings much less stressful. My mother lives downtown, which allows Robert and me to have date night a few times a month.

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? Our family is settling into what the church calls “ordinary time.” It’s not one of the high holy seasons, such as Christmas or Easter—things are just trucking along, and that’s OK. Green is the symbolic color of this season, implying growth, so I associate ordinary time with the summer months. We’re enjoying our kids at their current delightful stages of development, we like our jobs, our house feels like “home,” et cetera.

-what season(s) preceded this one? We’ve been through a lot of transition, which I associate with spring—planting seeds, watering and weeding, et cetera. There’s a lot of beauty in the spring but a LOT of work as well (so I’m told—I don’t garden, it’s enough to keep our kids and cats alive, and I can’t handle anything else!). I’ve been at my job almost a year, and my husband recently changed jobs as well, and that creates stress. Also, our kids manage to pick up every petty illness, fever and cold that’s out there, and they are NEVER sick at the same time. One gets better and the other one catches it. So our normally well-run household has been off the rails for several months.

-what season(s) might your future hold? Even as I live in the moment and try not to speed along my kids’ growing up, I admit I’m ready to get past the constant physical exertion of having young children—dressing them, feeding them, wiping their butts when they poop. I will not miss diapers and sippy cups.

That said, I know from parenting our second grader that the needs are still there as they age; in fact these needs only get more complex (homework, juggling activities, relationships with friends, et cetera). We don’t over-program our children but I’m a little freaked out to think about how I will get them from place to place. Even one activity a week per child adds up when there are three of them! However, I love watching our kids grow more and more fully into themselves. I guess I’m doing that too.

favorite family activities: We love to go downtown to do the DC stuff: museums, the zoo, pedal boating in the Tidal Basin next to the Jefferson Memorial. This summer we lived at the pool. We’ve started doing more hiking, with a recent trip to Shenandoah National Park. We eat dinner together most nights, but Sunday night is family night, which for us means a pizza “picnic” in the basement while watching a TV show everyone likes (currently Mythbusters). 

favorite solo activities: Reading, lunch with friends, blogging, wandering around downtown DC, visiting a museum, getting a massage or pedicure. My morning walk is really important to me. I’ve recently gotten into the online courses through the Abbey of the Arts which is a great outlet and something I can manage with my schedule.

source(s) of inspiration: I am inspired by artists whose lives and work speak of simplicity, wholeness and authenticity. David Wilcox’s music never ceases to inspire me, and Carrie Newcomer has provided my life’s soundtrack for almost 15 years. Mary Oliver’s poetry is a great inspiration, especially “The Journey,” which is a personal mission statement of sorts.

best MakeShift moment: Parenting is one big improvisation, no? I call it parenting parkour. There have been many MakeShift moments, but the first one I thought of was seven years ago, when I was being approved for ordination. I had to attend a big meeting of the presbytery (local district of Presbyterian churches) and give a short speech and answer any questions. Caroline was six weeks old, and I knew she would get hungry right when I was supposed to be “on,” so I ended up pumping in the backseat of the car while Robert drove us down the Capital Beltway. I always wondered whether the truck drivers said anything to one another about me on their CB radios…

find maryann on the web at http://theblueroomblog.org/ 

[if you or someone you know would make a good “mother of invention,” please check out the nomination process and questionnaire located on the sidebar to your right.]

my new friend caroline recently shared with me that many of her women role models don’t seem to balance love and work as much as they appear to be merely surviving love and work. implied in this statement is the notion that mothers are in a constant state of reaction to life’s curve balls: forgotten lunches, toddler illnesses, workplace dramas, heaps of laundry, et cetera. the holy grail (which i often mistake for a wine glass or champagne cocktail) then becomes that rare stillness that gives rise to intentionality. it’s the chance to act, and not react. it’s about making wise choices about those few moving parts in our lives that we can actually control.

for me, it’s difficult to imagine what a life of balance could look like when mere survival seems to be the most prevalent motherhood mode. but in the words of carolyn g. heilbrun, “what matters is that lives do not serve as models; only stories do that.” essentially, even as most of us are caught up in the business of reaction and survival, we have moments when our thinking shifts, when we trust our instincts, make counter-cultural choices, take charge, and replace conventions and expectations with trail-blazing honesty. even those of us who live lives of survival have a story or two to tell about a moment of balance. and in the words of my new friend caroline, “stories take us beyond abstract theory and into the world of the living and integrating.”

there are tales of a new way lurking in every person’s history; there is potential of trail-blazing honesty in every encounter. the key is to extract these stories from others and to share our own. when we do this we are collectively constructing a new narrative — one that has the power to draw us out of survival mode, even if it’s just for one moment at a time.

[source for this post is located on the bibliography page found on the sidebar to your right.]

this is my “to-do box.”

this is what the bird thinks of my “to-do box,” and all of the various lists, reminders, work obligations and home-related chores that reside on note cards therein:

what a perfect metaphor for what it’s like to try to be a “work-at-home-mom!”

i catch myself envying moms who work full-time outside of the home and those who leave their jobs completely to become stay-at-home-moms. surely life in these neatly defined categories is, well…neater.

but then i remember these wise words from lisa belkin’s life’s work: confessions of an unbalanced mom:

“i have yet to hear from anyone who feels they are doing everything right. so it’s not just me who can’t do this — and it’s not just you, either. not a one of us seems to be able to give 100 percent of themselves to their job and 100 percent of themselves to their family and 100 percent of themselves to taking care of themselves. small wonder. yet we all seem to think someone (else) out there is getting it right; people who work full-time think people who work  part-time are doing it, and people who work part-time think people who don’t work at all are doing it, and those who left the office to tend to home think that if only they could escape back to an office, they might find sanity. but all of this misses the point. no one can do it, because it cannot be done…. this emotional and economic tug-of-war is the central story of our generation” (14 , 16).

belkin is no longer in search of balance. now she’s just after “a close approximation of sanity.”

i think she might be on to something.

[bibliography is located on the sidebar to the right.]

first name: Kathi

age: 38 (ouch!)

current city: Hermosa Beach, CA

living situation: I live with my husband, Sean, our four year old daughter, and our two year old son.

occupation: I am what Mary Allison calls “a part-time hybrid mother.” I work full time for my family and part time out in the world as a designer.

how do you structure your time and space? I see the balance challenge as two different ventures. There is the mental balance and the actual logistical balance. The two are intertwined of course, but it is easier to answer this question if I separate them.

The mental side of this equation is the hardest for me. When I am not with the kids physically, I think about them and want to be with them. When I am with the kids physically, I am thinking about what I will accomplish next time I have some “coverage.” It was this way when I worked 40+ hours per week and it is this way now that I work part time. I am not sure if it is innovative or creative, but I am a firm believer in my mommy natural cocktail to help with the mental balance and focus. A morning dosage of peppermint essential oil under the nose forces me to wake up and start the day with a deep breath, mid-morning and afternoon shots of the amino acid L-Theanine really keep my head above ground, and an evening serving of melatonin helps to get me to sleep early. This is a formula that really helps me along with a decent amount of protein and a dash or so of caffeine.

Regarding the logistical balance, until December of ‘09, I worked more than full time outside of the home as a marketing consultant. So for the first four years of motherhood, the balance was entirely different than it has been for the last six months. We now have a nanny who comes ten to eighteen hours per week, depending on my needs and deadlines. I use those hours now to work part-time as a designer and writer. For the last five months I have been working in my home office to design a line of children’s clothing. I blog about these design escapades and my journey of “owning my own motherhood” at www.semi-handmade.com .

The one approach that I use that could seem a little innovative, is that I try not to spend any time away from my kids (while using any sort of paid help) doing something that someone else could do just as well. I’ve had my nanny run one last errand, address envelopes, iron seams, cut patterns, et cetera while I take over with the kiddos.

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives, 

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? The highlights of my current season are definitely the increased quantity and quality of hours I am able to spend with my kiddos. I am savoring the sweetness of this stage in our lives before the kids are both in school more. I am ever so grateful to be away from the corporate world for a while to enjoy being an integral part of the things they are learning and exploring, the questions they are asking, and the emotional intelligence they are building.

Challenges include staying focused and slowing down. After working in a fast-paced, demanding, and results-oriented career for so long, the new pace of my days can sometimes make my brain feel quite fuzzy. I have to try really hard to not measure the day’s success by what we have accomplished, what I can cross off  my list, and how much closer we are toward our “quota.” It took me three months to stop the habit of checking my blackberry at 6:00 every morning and to stop looking for the meeting or client who “needed” me right away.

-What season(s) preceded this one? The first four years of motherhood (2006-2009) were a mixture of pure bliss and great turmoil; I definitely would call that winter. I vividly remember running through airports with bags of breast milk in hand, anxious to get home to see my kiddos before they went to sleep. Sometimes those airplanes were delayed. Sometimes those airplanes were ahead of schedule and I did indeed make it home before they shut their tired eyes. I also will probably always remember being on a business trip for my little guy’s first birthday. Sure we celebrated later that week, but missing the actual date was physically painful for me. 

-What season(s) might your future hold? Literally and figuratively, I would call what lies ahead summer. I think the last time I had the summer off from a full time paying job was in 1986. While I do have a bit of work to do on my designs and writing, the next eight weeks of summer will include a lot of beach days and exploring around our tiny little seaside home and greater LA. I would love to call it an “endless summer” ahead for us, but I am not sure.

favorite family activities: The kids and I love to walk along the beach boardwalk, meeting as many dogs as we can and asking what the dogs’ names are. I am hoping that this summer, stand up paddle boarding and kayaking become a favorite family activities too, as I think this may be the summer of water for us.

favorite solo activities: I love any yoga class that is 65 minutes or less. Any longer than that drives me crazy. I also am enjoying a cardio core class at the gym right now, mainly because there is great music, it makes me sweat, the 55 minutes are a really good use of the time. I really enjoy sewing and knitting as well. I take a lot of photos and I enjoy that, and I am enjoying the results (not the actual process) of learning a bit more about Photoshop.

sources of inspiration: I do not have what fellow Mother of Invention, High Heeled Mom, calls an everything mentor .

When it comes to parenting, I am inspired by my daughter’s teachers at del sol, Janette and Cecilia. I am also inspired by quite a few of the parenting educators at the Center for Non-violent Education and Parenting.

When it comes to design, I am inspired by very random things. Right now I am completely fixated on this old wooden dilapidated bench I saw in the alley behind a Cajun restaurant near our house. I am not sure why but this bench, with its wood that is falling apart and beautifully bleached by the sun, is really sticking with me. It is terrific balance of modern and organic, this bench. Certain fabrics, such as Anna Maria Horners Little Folks Voiles also send me off and running with ideas.

I am also constantly inspired by contrasts. Contrasting colors, textures, lighting, moods…

My children and their friends inspire me in many ways. Their joy and honesty inspires me to find that within myself and tap into my own inner child.

best MakeShift moment: Juggling the corporate career and motherhood made for many MakeShift moments, mostly around breast pumps and conference calls, or breast pumps and public facilities.

Closer to home and more recently, I have had several MakeShift Moments as I balanced the needs of small people in our house with my desire to have a “designer” home, worthy of a “Coastal Living” center spread. A girl can have dreams, right, even if some are materialistic in nature? As function surpasses form these days, I pause, laugh, and try to remember that Martha Stewart’s Crosby-home-visit is not scheduled for some time yet.

When I took down the dining room table in order to make room for a play and art area that was closer to the kitchen, I conceded to the notion that I could have it all, just NOT all at the same time. It hit me that day that I was not going to be having sit down dinner parties while small children where in this house. While I carried the very heavy dining room table to the garage, I knew I was treading in the middle ground. This was the balance appropriate for our stage, and it did not include a dining room.

I had a similar MakeShift moment when we disassembled our bed frame and put our mattress right smack on the floor. This allowed me to stop using up valuable head space visualizing my monkeys jumping off the bed and needing stitches at the ER. A similar MakeShift moment that involved function over form took place just last weekend, when we butted a full-sized mattress right up to our California King-sized mattress. I have never seen that in Coastal Living magazine spreads, have you? But this is our balance. This is who we are — the Crosby Family — as we shift and “re” volve.

check out kathi’s blog at http://www.semi-handmade.com/.

first name: Tiernan

age: 34

current city: Denver

living situation: I live with my husband, Cody, our three children (ages three, four, and six) and our seven year old Yorkie, Mabry. Mentally, I have one foot in the country and one foot in the city at all times.

occupation: Writer/Small business owner/Mom

how do you structure your time and space? Only my oldest is in school right now (only half day), we don’t have any family in town, and we don’t do daycare. Consequently, I am with my kids ALOT. I love it but it can be exhausting. I am a writer for a number of online magazines, as well as a blogger and a small business owner (with my husband).

I just got a day planner and I don’t know how I lived without it. It was so liberating to transfer all of my commitments from scraps of paper in my purse to the planner. I feel so official and organized now! We are about to move into a new (for us) house that has a huge office, and I found a vintage double-sided post office desk that my husband and I are going to use. I cannot wait!

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives, 

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? I am Colorado autumn right now. One day it’s 80 degrees and sunny, the next day it is 40 degrees (still sunny but cold), the next day it is snowing, and then it’s sunny again. I actually relate to Colorado’s climate quite well because regardless of the current conditions, sun is inevitably right around the corner. With the kids being so young right now, I am in a constant maelstrom of child-related chaos. With one hand, I’m stubbornly holding on to my individual identity, but the other hand is in the grip of thirty sticky fingers (and ten not-so-sticky, but rather large fingers), which are pulling me in the other direction. Sometimes I feel like standing my ground is futile, and I give in to the world of sweatsuits, pony tails, and mini-vans. Not that there’s anything wrong with those things, but if you don’t step back every once in a while and remember who you are and what you love, you will be swallowed up. Mothering presents the constant challenge of finding balance between who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.

-What season(s) preceded this one? Glorious summer! Kids make you realize how easy life was before they entered the picture. Honestly, I look back and realize I was practically on vacation up until 2004 when my first born arrived. All I needed was a mojito and a bathing suit! Don’t get me wrong. Of course, my children are my greatest blessing but life has just transformed. One day, summer will return. But this time, it will be a family beach vacation rather than a girls’ trip to Cabo. I’m good with that. The promise of summer represents the dreams I have for my family.

-What season(s) might your future hold? SUMMER! I’m counting on it (yes, I notice the trend).

Favorite family activity: Hiking, riding bikes/scooters, playing board games, movie nights, picnics

favorite solo activities: My two greatest passions are books and horses. Few things make me happier than riding or curling up with a cup of tea and a book. Horses have been a part of my life since the age of five. I love the smell of wood shaving and manure.

As far as books are concerned, I admire the dedication and creativity involved in writing fiction. Even if a book isn’t stellar, I respect the fact that the author’s emotional sweat is poured out on the pages. I also practice yoga three to four times a week and love to run and cook. 

sources of inspiration: Women who are willing to mentor other women. Sometimes all you need to reach a new level of success is a little guidance and someone to believe in you. Too often, we are too busy to reach out and give of our time, but some women will go above and beyond to help another recognize a dream. Also, I admire anyone who trail-blazes in any forum. If you do something unexpected or against the grain and just keep moving forward in the face of adversity, I am inspired by you.

best MakeShift moment: My son had been begging me for months to use a box of paints that his nanna gave him. I kept putting if off because, well, paints makes a huge mess and I didn’t want to deal with it. This week, I finally gave in. I put a craft mat on the front yard, pulled out the dreaded paints and went to grab some paper. Small problem: no paper. Three eager faces stared back at me, so I went to my husband’s dresser, grabbed three white t-shirts and told them to get to work. They painted each other, and then they painted some moving boxes. They had so much fun doing it! 

check out tiernan’s blog at www.tiernanmckay.blogspot.com.

first name: Mary

age: 27

current city: Denver, CO (hometown Memphis, TN)

living situation: I live with my (soon to be) five year old son, Wally, and my boyfriend, Jeff. 

occupation: As of now, I’m a mom and student. My photography degree is collecting dust. I hope that medical school is in my near future.

how do you structure your time and space? For the first years of marriage and motherhood, I found myself feeling guilty for wanting personal time and space; I thought the world would stop if I took 90 minutes of the day to enjoy myself in a yoga class.

Now that I have broken that bad habit, I never feel satisfied with what I choose to do in my free time. There are so many things to be done! Even if I spend half the day cleaning, I can think of a million things I could have done instead. The worst is when I am playing with Wally, and I feel like I should be doing something else. It’s really not fair for him or me. I haven’t quite figured out how to manage MY time. Taking in each moment and being thankful for each moment is what I am working on.

One of many things that I tried giving up for lent was bad thoughts. It’s really easy to let those thoughts in when I am having a bad day or am overly tired, but I have made a conscious effort to acknowledge those thoughts as just thoughts and let them pass. This helps me enjoy the moment that I am in. I’ve started trying to meditate for 30 minutes in the mornings and evenings. In the morning meditations, I allow my “What-Ifs” and “Shoulda Woulda Coulda’s”, to come in, just to give those thoughts a time and place in my stream of consciousness. The evening meditation is MUCH more difficult; I try very, very hard to let all thoughts go in one ear and out the other. If I don’t allow myself that time, I will spend hours in bed over-analyzing everything!

We recently moved to Denver, and Wally’s schedule was changed the most. In Durango, he was in a full day preschool program. Now, he is in a part time play-based pre-kindergarten program. I wish he were in a longer program, but I am always amazed at what he teaches me at the end of the day. I hope he will be going to an expeditionary style school next year, which uses the teachings of Outward Bound. (I think it is especially tailored to high energy boys.)

I feel best when I am elbow deep in some concoction I’m making in the kitchen. I spend most of my day in the kitchen. Cooking presents so many possibilities! I am working on perfecting mozzarella right now for our pizza nights, and I’m trying my hand at crackers.

I am seriously considering going to medical school. This notion has been a small voice within in me for years, and it has only gotten louder. It has taken me years to gain the self-confidence to own this medical school dream. I’m older, with a child, and I know I want more children in the future. Is it okay to sacrifice a few years of being the active kind of mother I am now? Whethor or not I could cut it in medical school is no longer the question. Now it’s about deciding what I really want for my future. Is it really possible to have it all?!

using the metaphor of seasons to describe the phases of women’s lives,

-what are the particular challenges and highlights of your current season? A challenge in this season is accepting that it takes time to regain structure after a change. In our recent move, I had hoped that all would fall into place and that things would calm down. I guess they have in some ways. I do have a much clearer idea of how I want to live out the rest of my life, what I want for my family, and how I want to spend my time.

-What season(s) preceded this one? Before my current season, I had seven years of hibernation and feeling lost. I built a cocoon around myself and let things happen without being fully engaged (marriage, giving birth, moving across the country, getting divorced, finally finishing school, finding my love, and moving again). I am just now realizing that I was probably dealing with depression while living my life at warp speed. I never felt like I had a grip on things. But, life has finally slowed down (or I am getting used to warp speed), and things are much clearer. I wouldn’t change how my life has panned out; I’ve learned a lot and still keep discovering parts of myself. Where I am currently in my life feels perfect! I feel like I finally have a handle on everything!

-What season(s) might your future hold? Full fledged spring: a time of growth, renewal, a new spring in my step, and shedding skins.

Favorite family activity/activities: Friday night is pizza-and-a-movie night. I make enough pizza dough for about 4 pizzas. Some nights, friends will come over, and other nights it’s just the family. I really love that we have made a family tradition into it and that it is an open invitation for our extended family to take part. Wednesdays are breakfast-for-dinner nights. I love those nights, also. 

favorite solo activities: imagining, creating, reading, taking in the sunshine, gardening, and being quiet

sources of inspiration: My grandparents. My grandfather was a doctor, but never let go of his creative, artistic side. He currently has a wood workshop, and he had a metal workshop and a darkroom for many years. My grandmother has a painting studio.  My grandfather loves digital photography and Photoshop, and neither of them has ever put down the paintbrush! My biggest issue with figuring out what I want to be when I grow up is finding that balance of left and right brain activities. My grandparents are the epitome of that balance.

Wally is also an inspiration to me. I would not be the person I am today with him.

Jeff keeps me grounded. I have an enormous amount of friends and family who offer 100% support to every, single idea that I have. Jeff offers that same support but he knows me well enough to know when one idea probably isn’t the best (law school, for example). 

My mom was a pioneer makeshift mom. Some of her makeshifting may not have been the best ideas (see below). She never seemed to be worried about the latest trends in parenting.

best MakeShift moment: I’ll tell you my worst! When I was in kindergarten, my mother would send me to school with a bottle in my lunch box. My brother was bottle feeding, and I guess my mom didn’t have any drink containers for me. I would get made fun of by the sixth graders! I called my mom everyday saying I had a tummy ache. Lesson learned: Don’t send elementary-aged children to school with bottles!

If I am making dinner and Wally is bored, I’ll give him a bowl of water with food coloring and expired herbs, he’ll spend hours making potions and spells.

I do most of my school reading on the toilet, while Wally is in the bathtub. When he was younger, he never had a real crib (just a pack and play), or his own room, or a chest of drawers. He lived in the living room and his clothes were in a little nook on the bookshelf. We also didn’t have a chimney, so for Wally’s first Christmas, I drew and cut out a chimney and hung up stockings on the faux fireplace.

[if you know someone who would make a good “mothers of invention” feature, check out the nomination process detailed on the sidebar pages to the right.]

[as promised, here is sarah’s new york times letter to the editor:]

To the Editor:

As a 28-year-old former New Yorker with a successful career in marketing, I am constantly thinking about work-life balance as my husband and I prepare to try for our first baby.

His thriving career would allow me to stay home with few financial sacrifices. Still, I’ve fought hard to convince him that I can share the privilege of providing for our family so that he’ll have the same freedom I do to pursue alternate career paths and a deep relationship with our children.

These young women who have their hearts set on dabbling in a job for a decade before raising families full time are about as realistic as Naugahyde – it’s the 1950’s all over again, with a twist.

They’re locking today’s men in the provider role just as securely as postwar women were locked into the homemaker role. Not fair then; not fair now.

Sarah

Tampa, Florida

[sources for this post may be found on the bibliography page located in the sidebar to your right.]

i’ve already lamented that our society’s motherhood prototypes are extremes that are not available (or even desirable) to many of us. apparently, i am not the only one desperately looking for moms who model a different way. sarah blaffer hrdy, an anthropologist trained in sociobiology, was on this search too, only she turned to our primate ancestors and documented her findings in her 1999 book, mother nature.

hrdy’s study of primate mothers revealed that they were concerned with both the hands-on nurture of their children and the exercise of seeking status in their communities. for example, chimpanzee mothers worked hard to secure high-demand commodities like food and shelter. “their ambition helped their children to survive and, as a result, was the ultimate form of mother care” (warner, 151). it is part of our “evolutionary history” to want to care for our children and contribute to our communities in ways that benefit ourselves and others (warner, 151).

the difference is that in primate communities, these two instinctual needs were integrated and supported. there were ways for primates to develop a sense of agency while their children were only an arm’s reach away. the notion that women must choose between child-nurture and status/agency is a product of the culture we’ve created and not a sign of our natural tendencies.

if you’re not into the evolution thing, please don’t go apeshit! at the very least, primate life can inspire us to try to integrate the elements of life that matter instead of choosing between them.

it was christmas eve, and my husband was at the grocery store stocking up for the following morning’s family gathering. young couple nate and nicole sat before me in my living room as they perused sample prayers for their upcoming wedding. i, their officiating minister, had envisioned a professional chat, wherein i would outline their choices for the service and the theological significance conveyed by each. i would pay careful attention to the dynamic and energy of the couple’s relationship so that i could craft an honest and fitting wedding homily for their big day.

i think it is safe to assume that nate and nicole afforded their minister many glimpses into their relationship during our time together but, sadly, i did not take note of any of them. instead, i held my fussy 11-month-old in the wake of his failed nap and tried hard to ignore his obvious need for a new diaper. the eternally gracious couple would have accommodated my need to dash to the nursery for a quick pants change, but such a trip would have left my three-year-old under the christmas tree, where he was already beginning to open countless presents, despite my sternest of mommy-stares.

when i was raised in a culture, influenced so heavily by women’s progress and the promise that women could “have it all” (a fulfilling career, a joyous family life, and time for self, others, and matters of the spirit), this christmas eve circus and the superhero existence required for such fullness of life were not what i had pictured. i am a full-time mother and a part-time minister, whose partner is as supportive financially, domestically, and emotionally as he can possibly be. even so, i confess that if this chaotic and often isolating juggling act is the picture of “having it all,” then i no longer want it all.

there is such a vast territory between the ultra-traditional women’s roles of long ago and the ultra-idealistic standards for women’s success that are still prized by our culture and dangled before us like distorted fun house mirrors. who lives in this territory? are there women out there who are blazing a new path to a more balanced existence, who are replacing these old models for motherhood with the creative hum-drum of their daily lives?

it is my hunch that many wonderful, creative women live in this territory, and i am hereby making it my job to highlight as many of them as i can. it is my hope that by putting our stories together, we could go from creating healthier lives for ourselves, to creating a healthier culture of motherhood for the world.

let the MakeShift revolution begin!

the first picture in this post was taken during my brother’s wedding, an experiment in chaos wherein i was the officiant, my eldest was the ring bearer, and my husband was a groomsman. the second picture reveals the mess my children made during the last dinner party i hosted. good thing our guests had a sense of humor!