having been on the receiving end of some pretty unwanted, ludicrous, and rudely-delivered parenting advice, i vowed long ago not to volunteer my unsolicited “wisdom” to other parents. you will not find me approaching strangers in parking lots with unsympothetic words such as, “you need to put a hat on that baby!” in fact, my children convince me more and more every single day that, when it comes to mothering, i have no idea what i am doing.

but i must break my no-advice rule just this once to impart this sage tidbit:

if you go to a friend or relative’s house for dinner, and the other guests there happen to be members of a folky, old-time, blue-grass band, YOU SHOULD DEMAND A CONCERT ON THE SPOT. i mean it. don’t let these people eat until they play for you. it will be a spiritual experience. your children will be enthralled. the fiddle and harmonies and lyrics will make you cry. and weeks later, your heart will swell just as it did that night, as they played shyly at first from their seats on the couch and proudly in the end in front of the fireplace.

a few weeks ago, my parents hosted the members of red june in their home. will straughan, john miller, and natayla weinstein are friends of my brother, and they were in memphis for the folk alliance conference. they gave us such a gift, and now, i am giving it to you.

enjoy.

there are few hardships in parenting that cannot be ameliorated by a little construction paper and paint wielded by three-year-old hands. i have been waiting a long time for this: my first little hand-crafted mother’s day gift.

this, my friends, is a “book,” and inside are these hilarious bits of  (mis)percieved trivia:

in case you are having trouble reading the fine print, let me highlight the fact that the monkey thinks i weigh 22 pounds. perhaps i could ride around all day in his pocket! he is correct that my name  is mary allison, my hair is brown, my favorite colors are red and purple, and my passion for steam mopping abounds. apparently, he also correctly asserted that my favorite beverage is wine, but his teacher insisted upon jotting down water instead, which is no fun at all!  

i love my new book so much that i decided to create one right here in this blog for my own mother. mom, i’m sorry that yours does not have a fancy cover like the one the monkey made for me. actually, i think i’ll let this picture serve as the cover:

1979ish

and now for the good stuff:

• what is your mother’s name? sally, or “silly sally” to her grandchildren
• how old is she? early sixties
• how much does she weigh? 22 pounds. (you’re welcome.)
• what color is her hair? red (you’re welcome, again!)
• what does she do around the house? sew fabulous clothes for my kids
• what is her favorite thing to drink? gin and tonic
• what is her favorite thing to eat? the cuisine at tsunami. i’ve also heard her talk about how much she loves ice cream sandwiches.
• what is her favorite tv show? big love, desperate housewives, parenthood… when i was little she liked l.a. law
• what does she cook? pork tenderloin, cheese grits, broccoli, and salad
• where does she like to go? montreat, north carolina, t.j. maxx
• what is her favorite color? hmmm… not sure. green?

and here are a few more questions just for fun:

favorite tradition passed down by your mother: my mom used to sing a little made-up song to me at bedtime that her father used to sing to her mother. now my husband and i sing it to our kids.

best parenting advice your mother ever gave you: my mom told me that parenting is just one act of letting go after the next. if you do it well, she said, your children never even know you’re doing it. i never knew my mom was letting go, so she must have done it well!

silly sally, the bird, and me with our friend ruth

has your mother ever done anything that would be good fodder for an episode of “i love lucy?” why yes, she has! when i was six or seven, some friends and i took a break from playing outside to procure chocolate milk from our kitchen. my mom was there painting the shutters navy blue. somehow, she managed to drop the paint can, and the contents splashed up in her face!!! her whole face was blue. it was awesome.

happy mother’s day, mom! i love you. and happy mother’s day to all of my fellow moms. i hope your gifts are as priceless as the monkey’s musings.

a few weeks after the birth of my first child, i schlepped him with me to church to lead a study group. the monkey wore a sweet little gown made for him by my mother. i wore the proudest of mama smiles. but as we emerged from the car, all dapper and ebullient, we were met by this unsolicited piece of advice from one of MANY of the world’s mothering “experts:”

“THAT CHILD NEEDS A HAT!”

i stammered and stalled and ultimately just carried my little bundle inside. it was not until the days and weeks that followed that i had come up with a myriad of explanations and comebacks, the chief of which was,

“IT’S THE SUMMER IN MEMPHIS, LADY. HEY, LET’S STAND OUT HERE IN THE PARKING LOT AND SEE IF WE COULD GET AN EGG TO BOIL ON YOUR FACE!”

i know that i am not the only one who is appalled at the things that mothers say to each other. here are some classic examples from i was a really good mom before i had kids:

• “you’ve got 20 hours of help a week? aren’t you a stay-at-home mom?”
• “how did you guys manage to take so many date nights for yourselves? don’t you feel selfish?”
• “have you asked your kids’ dentist about all the candy they eat?”
• “do your kids feel cramped sharing a room?”
• “that’s so cute — he has spider-man shoes and a spider-man lunchbox. does he watch a lot of TV?” (Ashworth & Nobile, 65).

i think it was around the time i staged the 500th imaginary do-over of the church parking lot scene in my head (each one with wittier comebacks and kathy-bates-in-fried-green-tomatoes-type-vengeance) that i had a conversation with another church lady, and this time a very wise one.

she lamented that as a young mother, she wasted too much energy dwelling on the bombardments of “advice” coming from all directions. as a result, she instituted a standard reply that concisely and diplomatically captured her sentiments: “i am shocked by your rudeness,” she would say to the mothering “experts.”

i love this statement. it is powerful, not only because it gives befuddled moms a way to calmly express themselves but also because it saves said befuddled moms from later spending precious headspace on ego-driven inner dialogues!

next time i go to a baby shower where the mother-to-be is receiving all sorts of useful things like diaper bags, burp cloths, and monitors, i’m going to give the honoree something that will be equally useful: the wise church lady’s one-liner — the key to maintaining the proudest of mama smiles. it’s quite a good gift, when you consider the possible alternative: