the mommy wars
[this one is for katie in sunny california. all quotation sources can be found by clicking on the bibligraphy page in the sidebar.]
early in my parenting career i accidentally wandered onto the battlefield where working moms and stay-at-home moms go to embed their insecurities in the condemnation of each other. funny — i just thought i was taking my kid to the playground. i was hoisting my little monkey into the swing when i had my first encounter. before she ever even learned my name, a fellow mother asked me if i stay at home full time (and strangely, whether or not i know how to knit). i was nobody until was grouped into one of two categories: that of the working mothers who don’t care about their kids, and that of the stay-at-home moms whose brains are mushy and full of cobwebs.
here is but one arrow in the quiver of the stay-at-home mother:
“whose life was ‘worth’ more — the mother’s or the child’s?… if a woman ‘chose’ to work, she was doing so at the ‘expense’ of her child” (warner 2005, 117-118).
the working mother might load her cannon with this:
“studies have never shown that total immersion in motherhood makes mothers happy or does their children any good. on the contrary, studies have shown that mothers who are able to make a life for themselves tend to be happy and to make their children happy. the self-fulfillment they get from a well-rounded life actually makes them more emotionally available for their children — in part because they’re less needy” (warner 2005, 133).
my old marriage and family textbook explains that happy, satisfied mothers are more able to raise happy, satisfied children. it is not whether one stays at home or works outside of the home that relates to the health of her children. rather, a mother’s feelings about how she spends her days are more directly linked to her children’s well-being (kaplan 1998, 134).
the funny thing about this situation is that, if what my textbook says is true (and i believe it is), then these disparaging playground conversations undermine a mother’s happiness and by proxy, the happiness of her children. the mommy wars themselves are the problem, not the vocational choices we make.
so let’s quit this already! the next time someone hears how you spend your days and concludes that you are either heartless or brainless, just tell her to go to her room! if we’re going to ask our kids to play fair, we’re going to have to start heeding our own advice. let’s at least learn each other’s names before we pick teams.
Tags: competition, mommy wars, staying-at-home, vocation, working
March 1st, 2010 at 11:55 am
Amen sister!
March 1st, 2010 at 3:27 pm
I do not understand why there has to be a war at all. Isn’t it all about what works for that particular woman? Why is it anyone’s business what another chooses to do? I refuse to be labeled. If someone is asking me a question about myself I hope it is because they are just interested in me and not trying to label me or pass judement. I have done it all. I have been strictly a stay at home mom. I have worked full time. I have worked part time. I am now not working but am in school. Which one of these and according to whom may I ask is the most desirable?? WHy can we not honor eachother and our choices. Why can we not lift eachother up instead of knocking eachother down? Why are women each other’s hardest critics? I am not looking to find the answer to having it all. As far as I’m concerned I have it all each and every day no matter what the different circumstances may be. In my opinion finding balance is a personal journey and each person’s definition of balance is specific and unique to her. I search my own feelings and soul to find out what I need. I hope I am teaching my girls to do the same.
March 1st, 2010 at 9:00 pm
And what about all the moms who work part time or night shift or some other creative way that they find to balance their family and personal happiness not to mention the need for their families to eat and have health insurance. When some nosey parker comments on the fact that I work, I usually just say “Yes, well, we did consider letting our son and ourselves go without any health insurance so that I could stay home with him but that didn’t quite seem like a good idea.” Usually shuts them up. Why can’t people understand that there are a wide variety of reasons why women work or stay home and there just isn’t one right answer.
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:15 pm
The worst part abot this battle for me is that I fall in to the category who is actually entrenched in it. Women for whom money is not really an issue do not have this battle or debate – look at all the celebrity “working moms” out there with hot and cold running nannies. On the other end of the spectrum is that there are women out there for whom this debate is non-existent because the light bill and the rent have to be paid and groceries must be bought. The real question I think is are we doing the right thing for our families. I hate that I constantly measure myself against mothers who are home full-time or even part time, because I work full time – and beyond. The year I was pregnant with my oldest I read a great book called, “What No One Tells the Mom” by Marg Stark (also author of What No One Tells the Bride) that warned me about this whole debate.
March 4th, 2010 at 1:46 pm
Thankfully, I’ve never been the victim of this by any mother…strangely (or not so strangely), it’s my eight year old son who asks me why I don’t have a *real* job.